one moment of gratitude

one moment of gratitude
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

A few weeks ago, a talented flickr friend posted these polaroids and shared a project she was doing. So many people were inspired by Hailey that a group was started and now almost 200 people are participating in some sort of photographic meditation in gratitude. I am loving the way it effects my days, making sure I take time to notice how much I have gratitude for in our lives. And it's really amazing to see the commonality in the things for which people are grateful, as well as the uniqueness.

Beautifully Buzzed

Here's my beautiful boy. He looks so vulnerable and strong at the same time. I see him as a golden buddha boy.



Bowie has become a complete fish. Swimming across the shallow bit of the pool, doing back flips over and over and over again, having Chris throw him up into the air and go completely submerged. It's totally amazing. Last week he was swimming, but with hesitation, attached to his wonderful snorkel. But ever since we went to the Y's pools with slides he's been loving going under with just goggles on. But he hated the way the googles caught in his hair, hated having to push his hair aside when coming up for air. A few days ago while we were in the pool Bowie said, "I decided not to grow my hair long. I decided to cut it every week with those buzzing cutters Papa uses." And he has been utterly set on this. We talked about how good it would feel when he's swimming and running. We talked about how his hair would grow back but not right away, that it was something he couldn't change his mind about. I did show him some cute cuts that were still very short and framed far from his eyes, but he wanted to do it at home like Papa.

And so today, I buzzed his beautiful golden waves onto the bathroom floor. He smiled and made faces and shook his hair as it transformed into different shapes. He curled his shoulders up to his chin as it tickled his ears and neck. And afterwards, he looked at himself in the mirror. A look of sadness came over him. He frowned, turned to me and jumped to my arms and said, "I want it all back the way it was right now." He knew it couldn't happen and it seemed that he was calmly but with some remorse accepting that feeling of loss and fear about change. I held him and just waited while he talked through it, whimpered and shed a few tears. When he seemed to have stilled a bit, I suggested that we go swim to feel what it's like with his hair short. He jumped in, popped up to the surface, and smiling said, "I feel better now. Now I am happy I cut my hair."

I too am happy he cut his hair. It makes me so happy to see him so happy. It makes me happy to hear so many people say how they see Chris in him now, those gorgeous lips and arched eyebrows. It makes me happy to see my boys both masked and horsing around in our pool after Chris gets home from work.

I will miss his silky waves. But I am awed by this boy and his clear vision of what he wants for himself, able to be sad so deeply and then effortlessly shift into joy as he celebrates what is and not what he was...my golden buddha boy sharing his lessons with me.

Sweetest Staying Up Late Boy Ever

Last night I had some mama friends over for pool night (though nobody swam haa haaa) so tonight I was feeling really beat by the hottest day of the season and a long afternoon in the backyard. Bowie was dragging his feet but I could not wait any longer for sleep. So when Bowie said he wanted the lights on in his room, I said , "Okay. I am going to go in my room because I want to sleep and you know how I prefer a dark room for sleeping." He played in his room for a few minutes, then came to me saying he was hungry. I told him that he could get food for himself but that I was staying in bed. He said he was afraid of the dark. I reminded him that he can turn on the lights now. So he got his lantern, turned on the kitchen light, went to the fridge and got out yogurt, brought it to me to open, took it back to the dining room and ate it. I heard him ask, "Is it okay to open the trash can?" I answered, "Of course sweetie." He came into my bed and said, "I didn't want to wake you up with the loud trash can. I put my dirty spoon in the dishwasher mama. I opened it up, put it in the basket and shut the door. But I didn't press the button to turn it on because I wanted to be quiet and the dishwasher is very noisy." He flipped around on the bed a bit then said, "Is the flusher loud in here?" I told him it wasn't too loud in the bedroom and asked if he needed to go potty. He said, "Yep" and jumped off the bed and across the hall to potty. I heard him in there, one time passing gas and I heard this little, "Excuse me." I smiled with my eyes shut tight in my dark comfy room, thinking about what a wonderful little soul this boy has. He returned, curled up next to me and fell right to sleep. Sure there are the demanding moments, the angry and seemingly unreasonable moments (on both sides), he is full of all these real emotions and experimenting with communication. But the caring boy that took care of himself quietly and politely so that I could sleep...he lightens my heart and fills me with trust. Thank you sweet boy. I am counting this night as a Mama's day gift.



This photo is from a few nights ago. His self chosen dinner...naked in his camp chair, a box of cherry tomatoes, half an apple and half a pint of strawberries. Just in case I was feeling odd about the whole child size pizza and 2 cookies from Mandola's that were his lunch; he ALWAYS shows me that I can trust him to know what he needs!