Beautifully Buzzed

Here's my beautiful boy. He looks so vulnerable and strong at the same time. I see him as a golden buddha boy.



Bowie has become a complete fish. Swimming across the shallow bit of the pool, doing back flips over and over and over again, having Chris throw him up into the air and go completely submerged. It's totally amazing. Last week he was swimming, but with hesitation, attached to his wonderful snorkel. But ever since we went to the Y's pools with slides he's been loving going under with just goggles on. But he hated the way the googles caught in his hair, hated having to push his hair aside when coming up for air. A few days ago while we were in the pool Bowie said, "I decided not to grow my hair long. I decided to cut it every week with those buzzing cutters Papa uses." And he has been utterly set on this. We talked about how good it would feel when he's swimming and running. We talked about how his hair would grow back but not right away, that it was something he couldn't change his mind about. I did show him some cute cuts that were still very short and framed far from his eyes, but he wanted to do it at home like Papa.

And so today, I buzzed his beautiful golden waves onto the bathroom floor. He smiled and made faces and shook his hair as it transformed into different shapes. He curled his shoulders up to his chin as it tickled his ears and neck. And afterwards, he looked at himself in the mirror. A look of sadness came over him. He frowned, turned to me and jumped to my arms and said, "I want it all back the way it was right now." He knew it couldn't happen and it seemed that he was calmly but with some remorse accepting that feeling of loss and fear about change. I held him and just waited while he talked through it, whimpered and shed a few tears. When he seemed to have stilled a bit, I suggested that we go swim to feel what it's like with his hair short. He jumped in, popped up to the surface, and smiling said, "I feel better now. Now I am happy I cut my hair."

I too am happy he cut his hair. It makes me so happy to see him so happy. It makes me happy to hear so many people say how they see Chris in him now, those gorgeous lips and arched eyebrows. It makes me happy to see my boys both masked and horsing around in our pool after Chris gets home from work.

I will miss his silky waves. But I am awed by this boy and his clear vision of what he wants for himself, able to be sad so deeply and then effortlessly shift into joy as he celebrates what is and not what he was...my golden buddha boy sharing his lessons with me.