I've been struggling the past few days after Bowie's 4-year wellcheck appointment. He hasn't gone to the doctor much. I'd say 4 times. We've been blessed with good health and we have a lifestyle that allows us to let colds, ringworm, and ear infections (he had one a couple of years ago) run their course with minimal intervention. But I hoped that going to the doctor at regular times of wellbeing would be a good way to build up feelings of safety in the event that we do ever need a doctor's help. Fear based thinking...should have known.
Well, we talked about it as the day approached. Bowie pretended to be the doctor, looking in my ears and mouth with his flashlight. We got up and had breakfast kolaches (one of his favorites) and all went together to the office, sat in the lobby and looked at magazines. No problem. But when his name was called, Bowie went to hide behind Chris and covered his face. Oh my, I don't know if I can write this all out because it makes me too sad to spell out every sign that Chris and I ignored. But I am trying to go beyond that place of guilt and get to the growth...
Well, he flipped out. He eventually calmed down enough to speak to the doctor for a bit. The exam was a sham. He wouldn't participate at all. As we walked out of the office, Chris and I just said, "We should have just left." We should have listened to him. Why didn't we? Chris and I are both "yes" people. And I take a long time to absorb and respond. So we failed Bowie there. He told us so clearly that he didn't want to be there, yet we stayed. We achieved exactly the opposite of what we hoped for but most disappointingly, we did not keep the strength of our family relationship as our guide.
I've spent three days working through this. Trying to get past the guilt and using this experience to know that I will not ever fail Bowie in that way again. I will listen and know that his trust is worth more than the $65 fee, more than the opinion of the doctor, more than hearing a stranger say that my son is healthy when I know full well that he just perfect.
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oh autumn, this is very similiar to us. once a year it seems we have visited the doctor. he's been a total of three times in his life. and the $65 fee and the looks i think i am receiving because we chose not to do XYZ is hard on me and on my son. i am a yes person too. and river will not *perform for the doctor so it's all very confusing to him and to me.
work through it. every day is a new day. and what matters is the repair, the communication, the fact that bowie can learn from you too. this is hard. this learning as we guide our little ones.
Some friends of mine recently had to take their daughter in to get some dental work done, she had never been to the dentist before but she had some serious rot happening in one or two teeth and needed it taken care of. They took the opposite approach to you guys, since they had no idea really how to prepare her for it, they didn't at all. They told her the dentist would fix the cavity problem in her mouth, treated it all matter-of-factly as it did seem to be something that needed to be done. wELL, their little girl just went in without any preconceptions or ideas about what was going to happen, and sat quietly, but with great interest as the dentist did what he needed to do. I thought this was fascinating, because instead of worrying in advance how she would take it, which would be what I would likely do, they trusted her to deal with it on her own terms instead of trying to prepare her for it when they knew they weren't realistically able to do that. Interesting, eh? Maybe it was just this girls personality also, but I think there was some wisdom in their approach, and much trust in their daughter's ability to cope with something that needed to happen without worrying about preparing her for it, it's the lack of worrying that I found to be so fascinating.
We wouldn't be parents without some guilty moments, sorry that things went the way they did despite everyone's care and loving intentions.
thanks y'all. meredith, we are so alike in many ways. that is comforting to me. thanks. and :::wifemothermaniac::: i think ther is GREAT wisdom in trust. i try to leave myself open to it's lessons and have must still to learn. thanks for sharing that story. that is exactly the kind of inspiration i am looking for.
isn't it also important that a child learn that there are things you *have* to do in life? isn't your job as a mother to prepare him for his life as an adult, where there will be experiences that will be less than pleasant yet still a requirement? life isn't all fun and games and i really disagree that a child should dictate what he will and will not do. who is the parent here?
i am all for a lifestyle of unschooling and creative freedoms but i think that it is easy to go overboard. have you considered what your limits are? i would think that doctor's visits are a *must.* i am sure he is not the first child to freak out in the doctor's office!
it doesn't really seem like you are looking for "inspiration" from other moms... you seem to be looking for someone to tell you that you did the right thing. i just don't agree and think that you should follow your first instinct and try again at the doctor's offce...
hello again anonymous. i am thinking very seriously about whether to respond or not. i don't know who you are and your comment is coming across as a bit trollish.
there was not any instinct in me or my husband that said we should try going to the doctor again. not once.
my son does stuff he doesn't want to do when he HAS to. a once a year "well check" is NOT a have to. (ask my husband. ask our insurance which doesn't consider it a medical necessity worth paying for). we talked about being very sick or very hurt and needing a doctor to help. if he needs it, it will happen i can assure you.
our goal IS that life be fun and games, even in midst of doing "hard" stuff. i have absolutely no question about this being a guiding principle in our lives. it was before unschooling and unschooling is bringing us more and more joy.
perhaps you feel the need to BE the parent. fine. you are (or are you?) and so am i. i protect, guide, love... it is just simply clear that we are coming from differing points of view. fine. but we differ. i am not looking for inspiration from people that who's suggestions take me farther from my beliefs, but ones that take me closer to them.
i will not respond to
anonymous" again. if you choose to comment here in the future, use your identity.
Hi Autumn,
I'm the "anonymous" who "chatted" with you a while back about Bowie and school. (My real name is Lena by the way :) I did not write that comment and don't want to be associated with it....I have some thoughts about what happened with you guys at the doctor, but I'll share them with you another time and only in an encouraging and respectful way--and only if you're interested in talking about it of course....Anyway, I wanted to reveal myself because I so enjoyed our exchange a few months back and wouldn't want you to think that this particular "anonymous" is me. (I'll sign my messages from now on too :) Best, Lena PS Your website looks amazing!
PS I hope such trollish comments don't discourage you from sharing on your blog. While in some ways I don't share every aspect of your parenting philosophy, I get a lot ourt of hearing the way you guys do things...I'm sure there are others who agree. (from Lena again)
oh lena, i am really relieved to know that you are not the same anonymous! i appreciate your friendly comments. we don't all have to parent the same. my hope is just that we all honor our children and ourselves in this journey. i know my opinions have changed so much, and will continue to change over time as the needs of our family change and as i get closer in action to my beliefs about love and trust.
Hi Autumn,
I am also not the anonymous that wrote the above post, but I wanted to comment. I have been following your blog for a while now (since the days of TCOYF) and since the first time I came upon it, I was inspired. By your photography, by your choices in parenting, by your vision for your family. I started out being a mama in a completely different way, but for some reason what you are doing in raising Bowie really resonates with me and it is a philosophy and a relationship with my own son that I so desperately want, and your writing is an inspiration to me. I really hope that you are never dissuaded from sharing your experiences here, because I believe you are helping (as well as challenging) more people than you realize. Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself and your family with us ~ Rachel
A, I can totally relate. Through our midwife, we finally found a place that my kids don't mind at all and follow the line of thought that "less is better." http://www.centralfamily.com/ might be worth checking out. There's never any wait, everyone is SO kind and patient, and they're all about letting things run their course.
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