Musings about electronic shooting robots...
I have watched this video of Bowie several times today, sometimes with Bowie in my lap, or Chris behind my shoulder, or simply by myself. I have all these feelings about how deeply I've changed in the past couple of years. I heard my voice, full of true joy for Bowie and his excitement about a noisy, plastic robot with a gun that he found at the thrift store today. I am finding peace by giving myself over to joy. I hear myself say "shooting" and "gun" without hesitation, without judgment and it honestly sort of surprises me because I know it has not been easy to trade my fears for joy. I didn't expect my home to be littered with plastic weapons and noisy remote controlled battery eating robots. I didn't WANT my home to be littered with plastic weapons and noisy remote controlled eating robots. But it often and increasing is a home to these things and I can now see them as part of Bowie's joy, part of his big, big world. I can now trust that he finds value everywhere he chooses to explore. I am beginning to trust that *I* can find value everywhere he chooses to explore by choosing to experience the joy instead of the fear.
And it helps that he still loves to sit beside a turtle pond for hours.
I appreciate the people that have contacted me about my blog. I am struggling with it. Feeling self aware. I am such a ruminator, such a writer, such an introvert that I am drawn to it in so many ways. But I am sensitive, thin skinned. And have been feeling especially vulnerable lately. Really what is at issue is my fear of judgment. I am trying to work it out.
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6 comments:
I love this video..his excitement brings a smile to my face everytime i watch it.
I understand that it must be difficult to put aside your fears an accept that guns or swords or shooting robots are apart of Bowie's world,but how you deal with an accept that is amazing.
Although i dont have children yet i hope to in the future and i constantly find myself reading your posts and seeing how open you are to new experiences with Bowie and how aware he is of the world around him. Its an inspiration to read about your days and discoveries and hope that one day in the future i can be as open with my children.
Your a fantastic mum and bowie is such a beautiful human being. Cant wait to read more.
Elle x
Autumn,
I have been lurking on your blog for so long. Ever since I found it lurking in the MS on OS. I just want you to know how much I love reading a new blog entry from you. Please know that my parenting has gotten better just from this small peak into your own parenting and your life. I can totally understand your fear of judgement but, at least for me, I hope that your wanting to share your awesome parenting outweighs it because I would truly miss the small peak into your life!
Thank you for being such an inspiring woman, wife, and mother!
Kelly
Autumn, your last point is so interesting to me because I find that you excel at really presenting your experiences in a way that makes people stop and reconsider. Often, your thoughts have played a role in the reshaping of my own thoughts, and when I'm discussing these things in their natural contexts with other people, I find myself thinking it would just be so much easier to refer them to your blog. The presence of weapons in your life despite your aversion to them is a prime example of this.
I hope you'll continue to share. You inspire me to be a better parent.
elle, i imagine you as a fun spirit. that is such a great quality in a parent, so you're ahead already! thanks for being sweet and encouraging me.
kelly, oh man have things changed for me in some in ways since OS! but it was my first initiation to online friends and journaling so i always will look on it with fondness. and i am really humbled that you find inspiration here. we mamas need each other's stories, don't we?
dawn, oh my what a doozy of a compliment, coming from an incredibly inspiring mama yourself. i wish i was better at discussion...someone that i have known for a few years said that she recently googled my blog and felt that she knew me so much better than she did before.
thanks all of y'all. i am really trying to be authentic and respectful here with my writing. i don't think i'm any kind of special mama. but every mama sure is healed and bolstered by such kind words. i really appreciate it.
I can't let that compliment go without thanking you for it! :)
Autumn,
Always, I leave this place in awe of you. Although I'm not able to express in words as beautiful as you, please know that my thoughts of you are sweet, kind, and inspiring. You seem to have such a healing way about yourself and your words and thoughts have healed me and my family at times. I'm at ease when I'm here and reassured that my views, beliefs, and struggles are shared somewhere out there. I hope you continue to share your journey with us.
Thank you,
merrit
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