Musings about electronic shooting robots...
I have watched this video of Bowie several times today, sometimes with Bowie in my lap, or Chris behind my shoulder, or simply by myself. I have all these feelings about how deeply I've changed in the past couple of years. I heard my voice, full of true joy for Bowie and his excitement about a noisy, plastic robot with a gun that he found at the thrift store today. I am finding peace by giving myself over to joy. I hear myself say "shooting" and "gun" without hesitation, without judgment and it honestly sort of surprises me because I know it has not been easy to trade my fears for joy. I didn't expect my home to be littered with plastic weapons and noisy remote controlled battery eating robots. I didn't WANT my home to be littered with plastic weapons and noisy remote controlled eating robots. But it often and increasing is a home to these things and I can now see them as part of Bowie's joy, part of his big, big world. I can now trust that he finds value everywhere he chooses to explore. I am beginning to trust that *I* can find value everywhere he chooses to explore by choosing to experience the joy instead of the fear.
And it helps that he still loves to sit beside a turtle pond for hours.
I appreciate the people that have contacted me about my blog. I am struggling with it. Feeling self aware. I am such a ruminator, such a writer, such an introvert that I am drawn to it in so many ways. But I am sensitive, thin skinned. And have been feeling especially vulnerable lately. Really what is at issue is my fear of judgment. I am trying to work it out.