Dear Anonymous, I appreciate your comment yesterday. These experiences give me the opportunity to reflect and confirm or reflect and alter my parenting beliefs. I hope this doesn't come across as defensive, but well, I do have very strong beliefs about what you wrote. I think we are simply coming from differing premises.
"It just seems that if he knows that he doesn't have to [do] anything really hard for him, he won't experience that pride that comes from accomplishing something really difficult."
I agree that effort is so important. But I find that life is naturally full of these situations. He mastered crawling, walking, signing, talking, riding a bike, memorizing books, playing drums...see where I'm going with this? So I don't see the need to keep him in a situation that isn't making him happy for the chance to teach him to work hard when he doesn't need the lesson.
I believe that the real opportunities for having these experiences of challenge and accomplishment lie in the goals he makes for himself. For example, he's really swimming, and it is obviously very difficult for him to pull himself him up for air, he swallows water, struggles so hard, and immediately says, "Do it again!". He all of a sudden wants to swim, he's chosen this goal for himself and is working to the ends of his abilities over and over again.
It is through these 1000s of authentic experiences of struggling for what he wants to accomplish that he will build up the character trait of perseverance. As he matures, he will see our model of working through difficulties for the benefit of others and will find value and pleasure in that as well.
I chose school for him. And while I hoped he'd enjoy it and grow from it, I chose it so that I'd have time to exercise. This isn't his goal to go to school. My goal is to exercise and I can find other solutions that aren't so stressful for him, meeting all of our needs.
"...he's a three year-old who lives in the moment, as they all do, and can't have the perspective that you have to know that even though it's hard today, it will get better and more familiar with time."
He is three. He doesn't know the future. But neither do I. I don't know that it will get better for him, though I think it probably would. I do know how he's feeling now though. I believe in living in the now as much as possible. I believe in respecting others feelings. And these are how I want him to see us living our lives.
I have more to write, more to celebrate, but life calls...
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10 comments:
Damn it, but I love you. I wish we lived in the same place - I sense more than a bit of kindred spirit in your writing.
Jeanette
I completely agree with your decision not to make Bowie go to school if he doesnt want. You only have your childs best interests at heart and clearly Bowie is an intelligent,fun & caring child..having mastered the skills he already has and being such a considerate little boy. We are so used to the notion that children go to school that i think we find it hard to see beyond the schooling environment. With the right encouragement (that im sure you an chris already give him) i think Bowie will acomplish anything he puts his mind to :)
Elle
That's great. I definitely get what you're saying and it does make sense to me--I don't mean to sound so old school about it all. Like you, I believe in living in the moment as much as possible and especially respecting others' feelings. I guess the thing that made me want to respond originally is what I took to be a very black/white binary between force and choice....almost like one of those two is the only possible scenario: he either picks it himself or you force it and it seems to me like there are more options in between. Apologies for the totally cliched example, but what about a three year-old choosing ice cream for every meal or (less cliched) rejecting the idea of a baby brother/sister when his Mama is pregnant? Of course it doesn't make any sense to reject those feelings, but I think I'd let my child know that I understand he doesn't feel good about having a baby in the house, but we feel sure that he'll be really happy about it once he gets used to it. I bring this up only as a non-school example of something that doesn't and can't fall into the camp of sole choice of the child or forceful coercion from the parent. I think I see a lot of stuff around parenting like that. I think your philosophy is really interesting and I'd love to learn more about it, but I think you're right that we're coming from different premises: I think autonomy or specifically, being the only one to set one's own goals is something that a child learns during childhood from parents, not something that originates in childhood from one's self. Anyway, thanks for such an in-depth response to my comment! I really appreciate it...and your blog in general. Bowie seems like such a great boy with a very lovely life!
Thank Jeanette and Elle. Isn't it amazing to find such kinship ...through a computer?!
Anonymous, I do hope you'll share who you are. I've mentioned this book before, but if you care to read a book that has greatly influenced my husband and myself I can't more highly recommend Alfie Kohn's UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING. It is very challenging and thought provoking. It's philosophical rather than didactic. It addresses these underlying premises that we differ about. Thanks for reading and engaging in such a friendly way.
I read both the post before and this one and I totally admire the fact that you allow Bowie to take the lead in his life. I, too, believe in living in the now as much as possible and I think it's a beautiful thing that you and your husband encourage Bowie to do the same. Life is truly too short to be anything but happy and with positive guidance and role models, I believe a child will learn to make the right decisions for themselves while also respecting other people’s feelings as well. Through your words and photos, I can see that you and your husband are doing a phenomenal job at raising an amazing person!
through your beautiful words and pictures your strong love for your son is so clear and beautiful. you are an incredible mama and you are raising an incredible boy. thanks for sharing your world with us.
I just found your blog via your flickr profile and these were the first two entries that caught my eye. I have a three year old daughter that I left crying at school this morning. She's enrolled to go 2 days a week and this is her second week.
I guess I fall somewhere philosophically between you and anon. I don't think parenting is black and white. Every child is different. Every situation is different. This school thing is killin' me though. I'm so torn. My heart flat breaks in half when she's telling me she wants to go home, but for whatever reason...maybe just the selfish need to have time to myself, I tell myself she'll work through it.
That said, when I picked her up last Thursday, she cried because she didn't want to LEAVE school. So I'm hoping that's a good sign and this is all about some sort of transition anxiety. But what the hell? Who knows... this parenting thing is so hard.
Am I being a selfish you-know-what by keeping her there or is this just some natural everyday kid thing that she'll work through? Big sigh.
I admire your discernment and resolve to take Bowie out. You're a good momma. Wish me luck. ;)
sally, i don't see it black or white either. just go with your gut. i really don't think it will steer you wrong. i gave it a month and bowie didn't get comfortable with it despite having some initial fun and happy days. your daughter will have a different experience. we mamas do need time, that's not selfish to know it and make it. i'm in the grey area of finding the solutions that work for us in our family. i think that school is what most people use, but doesn't have to be the only way. and best of luck!!
Thanks for the encouraging words. My litte one seemed to have a better day last week. They made homemade play-doh and that's all she's been talking about this weekend. It's nice to hear her be excited about some aspect of school. It's just the darn drop-off that will be the death of me. ;)
Posts like these make me glad I happen upon your blog every once in a while. I usually feel very isolated in my thinking, which seems to be akin to yours, though much less frequently shared. :)
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