It was surprisingly tearful. During our drive to school where Bowie will be going two afternoons a week, Bowie started saying that he was too tired to go (another student had cried about being too tired when we visited on Tuesday). And then he said that he would get lost if I wasn't with him. That he would walk home. That he would not go to school.
And I was floored. He had shown not even a sliver of fear or concern over the past few weeks of preparing. Perhaps I had talked it up too much...maybe if I hadn't described the dropping off moment repeatedly...maybe if I hadn't asked him if he'd be sad or scared...did I put those feelings into him?
I carried and held him for 30 minutes. Children asked why he was crying. Offered to play with him. He buried his face in my chest with his hands covering his eyes. He calmed down to quiet reluctance, and I walked off the deck in his sight. His new teacher came up behind him, pulled him into her lap and talked to him for a moment about the fun things she had seen him do when he visited while two boys his age stood nearby. A moment later he was headed towards the bikes and cars with his friends, and I hesitantly interrupted his adventure to say goodbye and I love you.
Then I cried for 20 minutes in the car. Called my husband to have someone to cry to. As a teacher, I remember all the advice we were instructed to give to parents during these drop offs. Just say goodbye...they'll be okay soon...but as a parent, I am not willing to just drop him off on his first day. This experience is only welcome in our family if he wants it. And I want to be as available to him as possible until he has really had a chance to know if he wants to be there. He's been so proud and happy about being a Rainbow. But being dropped off is a different thing. I get that. And I think he'll probably adjust quite well, so I just want to give him a chance to adjust.
My crazy mama thoughts as I post from the local YMCA after working out...
I was kicking myself for not bring the camera, but that would NOT have worked out at all!
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2 comments:
You poor thing,i really feel for you. Not having any of my own i cant imagine how you must feel..but you must be so proud of him. Im sure its hard seeing him upset or scared..but he found the courage an i think he must get that from having such wonderful,loving parents such as i think you and Chris are.
I hope he enjoys it!
Brave Bowie and Mama. You are so present, Autumn. You will listen to your son and honor his spirit and do the right thing, whatever it may be. Hugs to you as you guys transition to a new way. Danielle
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