Unprepared

I feel so unprepared for this. Today Bowie made it clear that he did not want to go to school. He woke crying this morning. When it was time to get ready, he made no excuses about being tired but cried and cried and said he did not want to go. He says that maybe he'll want to go tomorrow.

I told him that I wanted to go take care of myself, that I needed to go to the Y and exercise. I suggested that he go to the kid's room at the Y. "But I choose to stay home." I've been crying for the past few hours. It feels like he doesn't care about me. I feel hurt and angry about that. And I also feel stupidly oversensitive and with completely unrealistic expectations. I mean developmentally he's barely aware that the world is bigger than himself, right? I also feel like I must have messed up, am messing up, because most kids DO go to school.

And then the unschooling part of myself feels quite guilty that I would ask my child to go to school when he doesn't want to go. I called my husband to check to see if he too would have not pushed him into the car and he agreed. So I feel guilty about all the crying. Isn't that a kind of pressure put on him?

I have this twisted desire to do nothing fun this afternoon. I don't want it to be more fun to stay home. I feel sick to write that. Thank goodness I write to bring out these ugly truths. Somehow I can think that and sort of ignore how vile that sounds, but writing it makes it so clear. OF COURSE I want home to be fun. Of course I don't want to punish him for not wanting to go to school.

But I do want to go work out. I really do. I need it so bad. I've been waiting and waiting, telling myself that these times will be short, that I will have time to do for myself again. But I'm feeling at the end of my rope. How can I make it happen?

Will he want to go back to school again? How can I talk about it without pressuring him? How will he know if he likes it if he doesn't go? Maybe if I suggest that I go with him again, like the visits?

Yikes....this is surely the most raw and rambling entry I've made. Yes, I am a very real and flawed mama.

Update: I typed that on the laptop sitting on the toilet lid while Bowie played it the bath. I told him that I still needed to go exercise and that I was mad that he didn't make a choice so that I could take care of myself. He said, "Okay. I choose the Y." So, we're off! Clarity is so good for us all.

Update #2: Thank you Elle and Sara for your thoughts and love. I am thinking about how to get more of my unschooling mind into this problem and because I really do think that is the most creative and respectful way to find a solution. Identify the problem: it is NOT that Bowie didn't want to go to school. I am truly okay if he does not want to go. I don't believe that he needs to go. But I do believe that I need to work out and have a little scheduled time for myself. So there's where the creativity comes in. He happily said goodbye at the Y. I don't know why he was okay with that rather than school, but he was. While I was huffing along on the elliptical walker, I realized that I NEED this and that means that I need to make it happen more often, perhaps even daily. This needs to be part of my identity, my daily routine. And I need to find a solution that doesn't ask too much of Bowie to make it possible. He's still saying that he'll go to school tomorrow, even though tomorrow isn't a school day for him. But I hope to get back to the Y tomorrow...