Potty Ruminations

I am in a natural parenting group , mamas I met online as we all were preparing for natural childbirths. And we've kept in touch over the years (sometimes, more than other...like during our shared celebrations and sorrows). Well, we were having a discussion about our kids learning to potty and I was in the throws of it, having just witnessed a huge change in Bowie and myself. We are a bawdy group, so O hope you can forgive my cursing. We let it all hang out together!

"potty training- we did partial EC stuff from early on. about 8 months ago he was loving sitting on the potty and wearing underwear a lot (at his request). we wore a diaper when out always.

anyway, i thought that maybe he was ready and tried to push him a bit. i knew that i could tell when he needed to go. i tried suggesting and asking him to go for a few days, but i got really totally frustrated when he would not sit on the potty and then have an accident moments later. so for one afternoon, i decided to try to "make" him sit. i totally let it become a power struggle. he cried and i got angry. then i knew it was wrong and apologized and told him that it was his body and that i would never try to make him do that again. that i would wait for him to be ready.

i stopped asking him about going potty at all for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. and he didn't ask about it either. that potty collected dust. and i was cleaning poopy diapers again. and i totally feel like i created that stall. i made that happen by pushing him. one afternoon made such a huge impact (i also know that some kids go through phases of interest, so i'm not floggin myself about it, but i do carry guilt about it).

then i made another mistake, i think. when he asked to wear underwear, i told him that he could *IF* he sat on the potty. and he always said no and i put away the underwear and he didn't protest. and it felt a little manipulative to me but i didn't listen to that feeling much because i was so fucking sick of cleaning the sofa cushions.

one night at michele's birthday party, i was in a conversation in which a mom said that one day her daughter said she was done with diapers. all diapers, even at night. cold turkey. and the mom said, "okay." readying the scene with extra sheets and pajamas, willing to wake up and change everything in the middle of the night. but her daughter didn't wet the bed. i was awed at her willingness to show her daughter that she trusted her.

so i decided that night that the next time bowie said he wanted to wear underwear, even if we were going out, on a drive, that i would say, okay. and pack a backpack with wipes, bags, clothes, shoes, underwear, and a diaper. i decided to trust that his own route would work, and probably work much better than my route.

and the second day he asked to wear underwear, he asked to wear it all day. and willingly sat on the potty. and had lots of accidents.

whoa. tomed ya. i really have been wanting to write about this. so this is all just a "this has been my experience" answer. not an advice answer. and as rosy as it sounds at the end, it isn't always rosy. i still get impatient. i still HATE cleaning up shit running down his pant's leg. i still find myself wanting to push him sometimes. but i'm getting better at sensing those feeling early so that i can open my heart up to how good this is that he is learning this so well, really (i am blown away that he is not afaid or adverse to public potties, there are rare days that have one or no accidents, he is so proud of what he can do, he standing at the toilet) and that we aren't in constant power struggle."

I wote that a couple of weeks ago. And I am still really reeling from my own changes in thought about Bowie (TRUST TRUST TUST) and also in what Bowie is achieving, at his own pace and direction. He is now sleeping without diapers (well, four nights) and is staying dry. We still have the rare accident and Bowie doesn't got sit on his own. We just have a ritual of going potty together before we leave the house, when we get somewhere, before we eat, etc. The times that he resisted, I said, "I'll just wait until you are ready." with as much patience and optimisim I could muster and he'd pretty much decide he was ready immediately. Amazing.

Over and over again he shows me that he knows what he needs. And I am learning over and over again that the more I show trust to him, the easier, more fulfilling and successful = JOYFUL our lives are.

Beautiful Day at the Dog Park

We don't take our dog Tuba out enough. It's sad and I feel guilty about that. She misses us. So I am trying to make and effort to do more with her. Bowie and I took her to the dog park last week. It was cool out, overcast. And lovely. What fun we all had. And we got dirty too. So I'm inspired to take her again tomorrow.

Pond Park

A morning spent at the park. With good friends. So good. (more hitting happened though *sigh*) And then we were on our own for a while. He's so adventurous. A climber, a jumper, a balancing acrobat. We watched ants, a duckling, squirrels, birds. We talked about tree roots. We looked at algae and paw prints in the mud. We've got it pretty good.

The World is His Desk

My friend Carolyn told me that there were old school desks at our local thrift store. And I had to get one for Bowie. With a coupon I got the double desk and one school chair for $6. I put it in the corner of his room that is surrounded by windows. I think a view outside is so important for the soul. I think a view outside is so important for the imagination, and inspiration, and for beauty. As imperfect and sad a backyard as we have, he can look at trees, clouds, bugs, birds, squirrels, spiders, wind, light, his tee pee, our pets, rain, and on this day he could watch the rare sight of ice in Austin.

Anyway, I look at this photo and I wonder how this desk will look in a year. It will be more him in some way I can't quite guess at yet. Stickers? Collection of sticks? What will he be interested in over that time? It's so exciting.

I am loving his obsession with dinosaurs. I never knew anything about dinosaurs. Somehow I think I acquired nearly no knowledge about them until about 9 months ago. But now I am learning things that I can't believe I didn't know. I am reading Digging Dinosaurs about the discovery of Maiasaura fossils and most importantly NESTS found in Montana during the late 1970s. And this is all a gift from Bowie. He opened up this world of interest.

One of the things I read about unschooling is that the experience of completely immersing ourselves into a subject so deeply that it may appear to be all that we are interested in at the time (perhaps scaring others into wondering whether we are learning math, or spelling, or whatever) allows us to know that every subject has depth and therefore every subject is interesting. It doesn't have to be presented in some cute, graphic, dumbed-down or even in a beautiful, perfect, high level way. It is interesting if we can find the resources and allow ourselves to exhaust every area that intrigues us. If we allow ourselves and our children to have that experience, then we don't have to be constantly "lighting the fire".

I am a former teacher. It is/will be hard for me to let go of loving the order and beauty and storytelling of what I think is the best I learned about education. But I also realize that the best of what I previously learned about learning doesn't really feel in contradiction to unschooling, as I am coming to understand it. And it is frankly relieving. To trust him. To trust the wonder of the world. And it feels exactly like the trust and wonder I had in children that brought me into the field of teaching in the first place. Coming full circle.

He's Only Human

Bowie hit a friend today. Well first he threw metal race cars at D's head. And hit later. It's been a couple months since he's done this. Luckily, no one was hurt and each incident was eased over quickly with Bowie checking on D and rubbing him.

I really struggle with myself when he lashes out like this. I really have to talk myself down and remind myself that the impluse to act out in violence is a normal and natural one for a 2 year old. I have to tell myself that it is not my fault. It wasn't letting him watch Fraggle Rock that did this. It wasn't the organic vanilla yogurt with 27grams of sugar that did this. It just is. We all have this in us.

I was able to say this to him and it felt right to me, "Everyone gets mad sometimes. And sometimes we want to hit and hurt when we are mad. That is natural. But you have a loving heart and a strong mind to help you make a better choice." And I touched his chest and his head when I said it. How many times will I say this? Many , many I suspect. And I have to find peace with that.

Wintery Mix

We are at the end of 3 ice days! Chris has been home playing with us and cooking up a storm (first try at kolaches a success!). After what started out as the warmest winter anyone can remember, we finally got hit with a storm. They come every 3 years or so. It's ice more than snow and down here no one is prepared for icy roads. So everyone just stays in. When we had some snow flurries yesterday, we bundled up and went outside. The front yards all along our street were filling up with our neighbors. College kids played football in the street. People let their dogs roam off leash. That in itself was a magical sight. But Bowie in snow...such wonder! He could not eat enough of it. He was face down in it, lapping at it like a dog. And he ate at least 6 icicles. Probably 10. And he really wanted to have a snow fight. An unexpected vacation at home. It's been wonderful.

Chris is feeling a bit cooped up though. Stores are opening up and he's out to get more provisions (for broccoli soup and meatloaf and chard and butternut squash). Bowie is napping for the first time in weeks after reading Jane Yolen's Owl Moon. I'm listening to the drip of melting ice. Loving the wintry mix.

Unschooling

I have been inspired by some of my friends to begin exploring the idea of unschooling and autonomy for our children. It is truly mindblowing. Just what I needed right now. Bowie is on explode lately: he is learning SO much in so many areas, he is really feeling powerful with skills for independence. I've parented gently and lovingly and responsively all along (imperfectly to be sure, but almost always accessing those motivations) and philosphically was aligned with unschooling but hadn't really delved into it. But in just a couple of weeks, I can feel it hugely impacting my relationship with Bowie and confidence in this path we have chosen. Confidence in Bowie. It feels so good to be in this place.

Few things feel more right to me in the world than this...

This is quoted from this site: http://sandradodd.com/beginning

"Parent's job (since it isn't the controller of the child) is something like being the Provider of Joy. When in doubt, go for the option that offers the most joy."

Sad about the World Changing

Today Bowie told me this. In a very weary voice he said, "I'm sad about it. I'm sad about the world changing." When I asked him what was changing that made him sad, he couldn't say anything but "the world changing". So I laid down beside him and talked about how the world had changed. About the fiery ball that Earth once was, and then the cooling, and the plants and animals, and the dinosaurs. He loves dinsosaurs. We read at least one dino book a day and he loves to talk about how they became extinct. He has said that he's sad about the dinosaurs before, so I thought this might be related.

And I talked about how change can be good too. I told him that he had changed the world when he was born. That he had changed me. And that I was glad.

I asked him if he was sad about changing, about getting bigger. He said yes. He has been reaching for comfort by touching my breasts the past few days. He doesn't ask or pretend to nurse, but it obviously still gives him comfort to be near me in this way. It's been a week since his last nap, and I think this need to reconnect to me in this way may be related.

I talked about some of the changes in the world that make me sad and others that make me happy. And later in the day he said, "I used to be sad about the world changing. Now I am sad and happy."

No Nap

No Nap
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn.

We are now five days without napping. Bowie can be pretty manic at the end of the day. He's running on fumes and has to keep himself going or he will crash. Friday I was so tired. I almost always nap with him. I love napping. And I need it. But haven't been getting one. So I called and then text messaged Chris to come home as soon as possible, but he had a meeting starting at 4:45. I knew that it was all me until the end and I decided that we'd both be happier with him jumping on the bed and me taking pictures. Taking pictures lets me see the beauty of my life. It lets me see the joy that in the moment, which can be hard for me to recognize in my own tiredness or frustrations. So that was a therapy. We both did things we loved. Working on the photos that night was another kind of healing for me. See it again, Autumn. THIS is what no nap can be like. Pure joy.

His "To Do" List

Before going to bed, Bowie dictated this list of things that he wanted to do the next day:

play the Eye Spy matching game
play with marbles
play with S's
throw skateboards
throw marbles

Oh, I am trying and trying to make sure I remember all of these moments. These glimpses into his inner self are precious because people don't keep showing them in the open, enthusiastic, real way as he does now.

Rockin' Christmas

Bowie woke up Christmas morning to find a red drumkit just his size next to the Christmas tree in Chicago. All during the drive up he had been talking about his red drumset and Chris and I would look at eachother with "how does he know" expressions. We had the drums shipped there so he could never have seen them. Well, they were certainly meant to be together. He loves them and they are now set up in his room. I promise to shoot some video of it because it simply must be seen and heard. He often sings along too. After each song, he bows and names the song. Tonight the best was, "My Things are Everywhere".

A few nights ago, Bowie sang this song while we were driving:

I am dreaming about trees.

I am dreaming about cats.

I am dreaming about lights.

I am dreaming about dragons.

I am dreaming about mamas.

...

This is now one of our favorite family songs.

Unplanned Stop Over in St Louis

I started out the trip to Chicago sick. I got the stomach bug that Bowie had the week before. The first day we made it to Joplin, Missouri and I warned Chris that I wasn't well. The next day it was clear that I couldn't eat anything and after a couple of hours on the road, it was clear taht we couldn't continue on so we stopped and stayed in a St Louis motel for two nights. It was miserable for me. Luckily, Chris and Bowie had a great time going to the arch, the zoo, and Whole Foods for some applesauce and yogurt. I didn't eat at all for two days. I was so drained. But after seeing Jumanji and Hook and sleeping off and on for almost 3 days, I finally felt like it was safe to get on the road and be with family. I didn't get to eat Christmas dinner. I never had even one of the surely delicious desserts (in that family, if you don't eat it then it will not be around later!) It sucked. I was terrible company for Chris' family. But we made it. I feared that we wouldn't.

This photo was taken on the way home. Bowie LOVED the arch and the "bumpy" train up.

Early Christmas

These are some photos from Christmas with my family the week before Christmas. We recreated the holiday with our traditional chicken and dumplings, slept over and watched Polar Express. It felt like Christmas, despite the warm temperatures.

Hot Hot Hot Chocolate

Day 19

Day 20

Day 21

Day 22

I just watched Polar Express for the first time last week and I can't think of hot chocolate without that song! Bowie loved his hot treat. But loved the whipped cream more. Just like his mama.

Unfortunately, Bowie has been sick for three days so we did not get to do our final photos for teh advent calendar. A big IOU to the grandfolks. But it will be worth it. I promise!

About to travel to Chicago to visit the inlaws. I am very sad that it looks like we'll get no snow. I may convince Chris to chase it if it is anywhere semi-near. Merry Christmas everyone!

The Hat I Knit My Son

Day 15

Day 16

Day 17



Day 18

I knit my first hat. And it turned out okay I think. Bowie rejected it the first time I showed it to him. But he happily wore it for over an hour at the capitol grounds when we took these photos. He'd be doing somersaults and the hat would slide off and he'd ask me to fix it. I hope to make ones for my neice and nephew.

His Pleasure

Day 13

Day 14

Oh my boy. He thinks it's very funny to stick out his tongue, blow raspberries, and is really enjoying potty humor. Lots of talk about poop. He also is loving rhyming words. Dr Seuss style with totally nonsensical, madeup words is his pleasure.

Also, for those that have asked, I promise to take some pictures of my advent calendar photo album and explain it a bit.

Wreath from the Grandfolks

Day 11

Day 12

Bowie has been doing on alot of sucking on his lips and fingers. That last 2nd year molar is descending. Finally an end in sight to teething.

Baking Date

Last week our friend Carolyn invited us over for a cookie baking date. Bowie and his friends Oslo and Daniel rolled the peanut butter dough in sugar and sprinkles. Bowie then unwrapped just about all of the chocolate kisses after eating one. I was so pleasently amazed that he was satisfied by that one and didn't ask or sneak another one at all. He really loves cooking and helps Chris with baking almost every weekend. The peanut butter blossoms turned out wonderfully and it was great fun. Thank you Carolyn!

Day 9

Day 10

I took these photos outside of a little shopping center. There is a wonderful shop called Rootin Ridge where a husband and wife handmake wooden toys. There is a little workroom in this itty bitty shop with huge window . A riser is in front of it so children can watch them work. Bowie was fascinated watching a table and chairs be sanded and vacuumed clean. If you are looking for something special and handmade check them out!

http://www.rootinridge.com/

Strawberry Lolli

Day 7

Day 8

Well, Bowie is totally and completely initiated into the world of sweets. Halloween. The candy advent calendar from the grandfolks. And the photo shoots. But he is brushing his teeth more often! I don't think of it as a bribe but as a consequence...if he cares for his teeth he can eat things that aren't so healthy for his teeth; if he doesn't brush, he can't have additional sugars because nutrition is a component of good dental health. Plus, it really is a darling thing to share things that I love; and boy do I love sweets!

I had hoped taht he'd slowly savor this all natural and quite costly lollipop like he did for last year's advent photos. But he just chomped through it in no time!