Out of the Old, Into the New

We move tomorrow. Out of this house, the house in which I have lived the longest in my life, the house were love, marriage, baby happened. Out of summer, the first day we swam in our new pool but perhaps the last warm day of the year. Tonight I shed a few tears about leaving this place. But I also felt like the luckiest person in the world to be swimming in my new backyard with my big, beautiful, happy son. I can be sad and happy at the same time.

The Quiet Blogging Mama

Last week I decided that I wanted to be living a little less virtually. I wrote a letter to Bowie rather than write in my blog. I told him how he's been saying recently, "Mama, I want to go everywhere your breasties go." Hee heeeee. He'll get a laugh out of that one day. But I hope he never feels any shame about it. I don't. It's the first place of comfort he found in this world and I simply see it no other way. I also have been doing lots and lots of thinking and reading, mostly about radical unschooling (unschooling in relation to the law of attraction.) It's been so transforming and perplexing and freeing. I am so grateful for a life that allows us to ebb and flow, grow and grow. I also am thinking and feeling a lot about this choice I've made to be so public with our lives. In my heart, I think it's good in many ways. So many mamas reaching out to each other, sharing and growing together. And it's been amazing for me as a photographer as well. But...well I'm trying to identify my concerns and I'm just laying low for a while so I don't feel hurried.

Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy this photo of Bowie. He is in full anticipation of Halloween mode lately. We went to the party store yesterday and he chose red hairspray for his costume. He had to try it out this morning. Then he painted my face this afternoon (sorry no photo of the bushy black eyebrows and red streak from my lips into my nostril and out to my cheek).

Snakie

Bowie's dear snakie. For about a week he was the beloved toy. Went to Barton Springs, the grocery store, the park. Bowie held him curled in his lap, on his wrists, his neck.

And now snakie lies underfoot in the car. The love is so intense and short. He sometimes returns to these loves. Rediscovers an old passion. Maybe one day, he'll look back on these photos and rediscover these loves of his life.

Asleep Again

Asleep Again
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

Hmmmm, I'm in one of my internal times. We are having wonderfully unscheduled days with lots of freedom so that when we get the call to vacate our house to show it (hoping someone sees some of what we've loved about our home) we can happily go out without feeling rushed and put upon. I am also doing lots of thinking about unschooling, the law of attraction, reading a new book Killing Monsters. And just loving my crazy , beautiful boy so! Life is quiet (not sure if that's the right word, something more like flowing) and good here. May it be so with yours.

Busy

Been very busy with work and fun here. Not sitting at the computer much these days. Chris and I had a great time at ACL. Yo la Tengo ripped it up and had the crowd loving it despite the noon day sun on our necks. I've seen them three times and two of their shows are on my all time top 10 list. We took a break in the heat of the day to walk to a local dinner and movie theater to see Balls of Fire. It was so awesome to be in a black air conditioned room sipping glass after glass of water and indulging in a root beer float. We made it back for Wilco/My Morning Jacket. Why they were booked simultaneously is a mystery to everyone. Frankly, I wish we'd spent more time with My Morning Jacket. I love Wilco. Love their new album. One of their shows that we saw In New Orleans during Jazz Fest at the Howling Wolf is in my top 3 concerts. But I've seen them 3 times since and never seen that energy again. My Morning Jacket on the other hand, is always exuberant. I really loved the Decemberists as well. Couldn't help but sing along. But they are a band that is better suited for a small stage. I wish they'd hook up with someone in theater if they continue arena type festivals. Their songs are so theatrical, I can really imagine a huge puppet show or play behind them.

Bowie went to Sea World with my folks. Sounds like he had a great time. It's still bit strange that we had separate weekends, made our own memories. But so good too. Bowie did go Friday night and enjoyed the festival experience as much as Bjork, who I would not have missed for the world, though we did leave early because Bowie was ready to go. I told him I really wanted to see if she played "I Miss You" and he agreed, so I got to hear one of my favorites before heading out. I wish we could have been up closer because I know he'd really connect with her crazy style.

We also are trying to sell our house. Had an open house yesterday. Must be ready to leave with the dog at the drop of a hat, so must keep the house in showing shape at all times. Time to turn on the anal! This morning Bowie said he wanted to make a mess, poor dear.

Austin City Limits

09_15_07_04
Originally uploaded by myguerrilla

This photo was taken by myguerilla. Found it on flcikr. Maybe I'll catch some good shots today. Our third day at the festival...Bjork and Arcade Fire were amazing. Really looking forward to the Decemberists and Yo La Tengo today.

Eight

Yesterday was my birthday, so a bit of nostalgia I ran across while packing- a scan of a scan of me as a baby.

I was tagged by my friend Leah. We both share a love of wind through trees, photography, chocolate, and being mamas.

| the rules |

post the rules before you give the facts. post eight random facts about yourself. at the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names. leave the people you tagged a comment on their blog, letting them know that they've been tagged.

leah's lilypad

I can get a perfect score at the "hard" level of Karaoke Revolution on Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. Close on "expert" but not perfect yet.

My big toe is the tallest of my toes.

I am reading Behind the Scenes at the Museum right now. I like it!

I plan on getting my first tattoo soon. Don't know what yet.

My bellybutton is an innie.

I love historical romance movies and books...even trashy ones.

I sleep on the left side of the bed.

I hate cleaning toilets.



I might break the rules and skip the tagging bit. I'm a bad blogging gamer.

Frankenstein

I'm sick with a throat and ear infection and poor Bowie has been a bit bored. So we went to the park this morning. He wanted to wear his "Frankenstein" costume that we bought last year during the after Halloween half off sales. He said it was Frankenstein then and I didn't correct him. He still doesn't know anything abotu Frankenstein other than he's worked out that he's some sort of monster. Now that he's very interested in comic book characters, I suspect he'll figure out soon that this costume is meant to be the Hulk. He ran and ran and jumped and climbed, keeping himself busy and letting me watch. Love that boy.

The Lost Horn of Africa

We have just started the process of packing up our house. We are moving. We are all sad about it sometimes, sad to go and sad about the work of it. But there are some strange rewards, such as finding forgotten things. This is a drinking horn from Cameroon. It is fascinating to Bowie for obvious reasons.

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, I appreciate your comment yesterday. These experiences give me the opportunity to reflect and confirm or reflect and alter my parenting beliefs. I hope this doesn't come across as defensive, but well, I do have very strong beliefs about what you wrote. I think we are simply coming from differing premises.

"It just seems that if he knows that he doesn't have to [do] anything really hard for him, he won't experience that pride that comes from accomplishing something really difficult."

I agree that effort is so important. But I find that life is naturally full of these situations. He mastered crawling, walking, signing, talking, riding a bike, memorizing books, playing drums...see where I'm going with this? So I don't see the need to keep him in a situation that isn't making him happy for the chance to teach him to work hard when he doesn't need the lesson.

I believe that the real opportunities for having these experiences of challenge and accomplishment lie in the goals he makes for himself. For example, he's really swimming, and it is obviously very difficult for him to pull himself him up for air, he swallows water, struggles so hard, and immediately says, "Do it again!". He all of a sudden wants to swim, he's chosen this goal for himself and is working to the ends of his abilities over and over again.

It is through these 1000s of authentic experiences of struggling for what he wants to accomplish that he will build up the character trait of perseverance. As he matures, he will see our model of working through difficulties for the benefit of others and will find value and pleasure in that as well.

I chose school for him. And while I hoped he'd enjoy it and grow from it, I chose it so that I'd have time to exercise. This isn't his goal to go to school. My goal is to exercise and I can find other solutions that aren't so stressful for him, meeting all of our needs.

"...he's a three year-old who lives in the moment, as they all do, and can't have the perspective that you have to know that even though it's hard today, it will get better and more familiar with time."

He is three. He doesn't know the future. But neither do I. I don't know that it will get better for him, though I think it probably would. I do know how he's feeling now though. I believe in living in the now as much as possible. I believe in respecting others feelings. And these are how I want him to see us living our lives.

I have more to write, more to celebrate, but life calls...

Schooling Experiment Finished

I'll write more about this later, but I decided to withdraw Bowie from school. He has not wanted to attend for 2 weeks now and has been exhibiting a lot of anxiety (had to call me after he was crying for over an hour the last time he attended). Today he said that he never wanted to go back and with all the signs and those very clear words, I felt it was not in his best interest to continue. He happily went to the nursery at the YMCA and I'll be advertising for babysitters to find a better solution for all of us.

Splash!

Summer. Still summer. We often have Friday night dinner at Mandola's followed with (or sometimes preceded by) a romp in the Triangle's dancing fountains. I bring extra underwear and just let Bowie at it. Last night we stood in front of the gelato counter after our meal but Bowie amazingly opted to hurry on to the fountain! What fun.

Yogurt Pops

Plain yogurt, honey, frozen mixed berries, orange juice in the blender and YUM!

Falling In Love Again

It's like he's my new baby again. I can't stop looking at him, like when I held him all curled up arms for 20 hours a day. To me, he looks younger. I see him as 1 again, when his hair was a bit like this. But he is my mature boy who asked me this morning if I was sad and said, "I want you to be happy about this." while touching my shoulder gently.

Oh.

And i am truly happy for him. And falling in love all over again.

Cut From Him

on his swaddling blanket
his baby hair
i keep them
and let go of him

he is becoming
his own

Remembrance

Now I'm crying. I held it together all along (except for the slightly sick feeling in my gut). But now, alone, looking at this ponytail of Bowie's baby hair...golden, soft and fine, it's been with him through all his life and now it is cut from him. I will keep it to stroke and hold myself. My boy. My baby.

About a month ago, Bowie started saying that he wanted to cut his hair short. Shave it like his papa's. I said that if he still felt that way after we came back from vacation that we'd do it. It's his hair. He should choose. I have a friend that dated a young man who kept his hair very short and didn't want anyone to touch it because his hair as a boy had been long and curly and he hated the attention. I always thought of this when *my* desire to keep it long butted against Bowie's wishes to cut it. Well, he didn't mention it again until a few days ago. We've been swimming alot (REALLY swimming ya'll, more about that later) and I think it's really been bugging him that his whole face would get covered by his hair. So we went to Cool Cuts for Kids, showed them an adorable skaterdude haircut that Bowie and I both liked and he ended up with this conservative cut. Next time I'll be more of a bear and make sure we get what we want, but I just wanted it to be as easy as possible for him and he was an ANGEL. What a big boy. Truly.

Simply Watermelon

Oh, he loves it. 3 slices.

Unsanitized

We go to the dog park and play. We wade in the creek, hunt for fossils, pet the dogs, climb the hills, dig through sticks, find broken and dirty glasses and wear them. I am not a Purell carrying member of mamahood. We dig in, get dirty, and sometimes we wash our hands but only if we are filthy. And I stand by it. Bowie hasn't been sick since Christmas. Of course that means that we've got a cold coming, especially now that he's going to school a couple afternoons. But I also am a believer that a few colds are natural and overall beneficial, though sad and inconvenient. So we'll continue to dig in.

Sun Mask

Hurray! Another happy goodbye at school this afternoon. Last night Chris and I talked and talked about what our strategy would be if he didn't want to go today. And it was easy peasy! Leaving the house he did grumble, but I am finding that it is leaving his home that is hard for him. We ran some errands and ate lunch at Mr. Natural and he easily moved on from there.

When I returned from my gloriously long and relaxed workout, he ran right away to show me the mask he made with his teacher Richard. Masks are a sure way to his heart. He's worn it all the way home, all evening (except at the dinner table). So thrilled that he's doing things that he loves there.

The Sky is NOT Falling

Well, I tried to post from my phone at the Y yesterday but I see it didn't work. Yes, from the Y. Bowie went willingly and happily to school yesterday! You know how horrible and awful transition in birth can feel? But that means that you are almost done, the worst is over. I have seen that in our family life too. It's the surrender and trust that have gotten me through all of those hard times. And got me through this hard time too.

I let go of the idea that Bowie's going to school would be the solution to giving me time I needed for myself. I decided that if it didn't work out, we'd find another solution. Tuesday and Wednesday Bowie stayed at the YMCA nursery while I worked out. It wasn't the 3 hours long cardio, strength, sauna and shower I've been dreaming about but it was an hour on the elliptical walker reading and listening to my ipod. It helped immensely.

I also stopped talking up going to school. Barely mentioned it. I realized that it must have been coming across as a really big deal. Almost everyone he knew asked him about it, we were having conversations in an effort to prepare him, and I think that just made it feel like a really big deal. So I decided to try to minimize it.

We left the house on Thursday with other fun things to do on the way to school. We went to the library and had lunch together at a restaurant. I think this distracted him a bit and it was easier to move on when we were already on the move. He did say before we left the house, "I don't think today is really a good day for school." and I said that we weren't going there right now and that we'd see how he felt later. Not another word of concern or hesitation came.

And I think letting him say no was important. When there has been any element of pushing from us (sleep, potty, food...you know all those issues that are so easy to get into struggles), Bowie has resisted. Luckily we have been very conscious about stepping back and giving him his power back when we realized that we were pushing, and almost immediately we see him make great strides in those areas on his own. Trust. Trust. Trust.

I am sure that he will have other vulnerable days. But we got through the first week. I got clear about what I need, he saw how much I need it, we found ways to meet that need, and he did have fun at school in the end. Maybe he'll say he doesn't want to go again. I'm sure he will. But it won't feel like the sky is falling.