Trust

Last night while taking a spontaneous drive to Zilker park, we were listening to the new My Morning Jacket's "Highly Suspicious" which I have grown to love. Bowie and I sing along to this song a lot. But tonight he asked what suspicious was. So Chris said it means that you don't trust someone. I googled it and read the definition "openly distrustful". Bowie asked what that meant, and I said that it meant that you make it clear to someone that you don't trust them. Bowie's response was surprising to me, "That's mean." Oh my sweet, loving boy trying to learn how to "be nice".

I paused and said, "You know, there are some people that don't feel trustworthy. They make you feel bad or scared or worried." Silence. I continued, "The people we feel safe with, the people we feel good with are people we can trust."

He said, "I trust you Mama." My soul filled, I turned around in my seat and looked at him saying, "I trust you Bowie." I turned to my husband and said, "I trust you Papa." Bowie said with certainty, "I trust you too Papa." And Chris told us he trusts us too. For the next few minutes, Bowie continued on and on, "I trust our whole family. I trust you."

The evening continued on...gorgeous sunset on the downtown skyline, hours of crazy fun frisbee ending long after dark illuminated with glowsticks and a tiny flashlight, delicious P Terry's burgers at 10pm (a long nap preceded this outing) . As wonderful as that all was, that conversation in the minivan was what I am still glowing with.

Oh, and you gotta listen more than once...

The Daily Groove

My favorite daily digest of sorts...The Daily Groove. Every morning there is a short message that inspires, comforts, challenges me in some way. I often forward it Chris. They sometimes get discussed late at night over beer in the backyard. These little tidbits for the soul and mind don't always speak to me, but they almost always resonate with me in a deep way affecting not just my parenting but my whole life.

A couple of weeks I pulled out of a foul mood/insomnia with the help of a recent tip...keep a little list of small things/acts that help you feel better when you want to go up the emotional scale. My hubbie was trying to help me but could do no right. I finally thought, "What would be on my list? Listening to Nick Drake, of course." So Chris put my favorite Drake tune on "One of These Things First" and the funk just seeped away.
Here is a recent one that I think of often in my day:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Red Light, Green Light ::

Virtually all of us "lose it" with our kids at some
point. Then later we say, "I didn't want to yell at my
child, but I couldn't stop myself."

If you want to avoid these parent-child "collisions,"
you have to pay more attention to your "inner
stoplight": stress.

Suppose you're worried about getting your child to an
appointment on time. Worrying is stressful, so it's a
red light telling you to stop and get centered before
moving on. But long ago you were trained to tolerate
stress, so you don't notice the red light. You're on a
collision course!

Which parent is more likely to end up yelling, the one
who's centered or the one who's stressed?

Today, pay close attention to your subtle feelings.
Decide that even "mild" tension or irritation is a red
light. Stop, breathe, reach for better-feeling
thoughts, and wait for the green-light feeling of
*relief* before you take action

http://dailygroove.net/red-light-green-light

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

Simple stuff like that. But not easy stuff. Not for me. Not yet. The more intentional I am, the more present, I recognize my emotions sooner and the relief comes sooner. But I run a lot of red lights still.

Thrift Store Robot

Musings about electronic shooting robots...





I have watched this video of Bowie several times today, sometimes with Bowie in my lap, or Chris behind my shoulder, or simply by myself. I have all these feelings about how deeply I've changed in the past couple of years. I heard my voice, full of true joy for Bowie and his excitement about a noisy, plastic robot with a gun that he found at the thrift store today. I am finding peace by giving myself over to joy. I hear myself say "shooting" and "gun" without hesitation, without judgment and it honestly sort of surprises me because I know it has not been easy to trade my fears for joy. I didn't expect my home to be littered with plastic weapons and noisy remote controlled battery eating robots. I didn't WANT my home to be littered with plastic weapons and noisy remote controlled eating robots. But it often and increasing is a home to these things and I can now see them as part of Bowie's joy, part of his big, big world. I can now trust that he finds value everywhere he chooses to explore. I am beginning to trust that *I* can find value everywhere he chooses to explore by choosing to experience the joy instead of the fear.

And it helps that he still loves to sit beside a turtle pond for hours.





I appreciate the people that have contacted me about my blog. I am struggling with it. Feeling self aware. I am such a ruminator, such a writer, such an introvert that I am drawn to it in so many ways. But I am sensitive, thin skinned. And have been feeling especially vulnerable lately. Really what is at issue is my fear of judgment. I am trying to work it out.

returning to UT

We live pretty close to the UT campus. Both Chris and I graduated from UT. We still like to hang out there, there's always interesting stuff to be found. Yesterday Bowie and I walked down to the bus stop and rode to the drag for breakfast bagels and ended up going all over campus and spending the entire day there. Fun! and exhausting.





We spent about 2 hours at the turtle pond. Friendly, hungry turtles kept swimming up to him and he commented, "They seem to be taking a liking to me." There is an enormous snapping turtle there. A nice young man chatted with Bowie through his whole lunch break and told him that the turtle is named Snappy.







Then we walked over to the East Campus to visit the memorial Museum (a favorite trip of Bowie's). It's small and free and he loves it.



We had our lunch in the Union building. Tired little boy asked if there was a hotel in there where he could rest! I told him on the 3rd floor there are cushy chairs for resting. He quietly hopped around the sleeping students for about an hour. Hee heee.


And then we made our way home, about 7 hours later. We didn't plan on being gone all day, it just flowed that way. Love our open, free days.

one moment of gratitude

one moment of gratitude
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

A few weeks ago, a talented flickr friend posted these polaroids and shared a project she was doing. So many people were inspired by Hailey that a group was started and now almost 200 people are participating in some sort of photographic meditation in gratitude. I am loving the way it effects my days, making sure I take time to notice how much I have gratitude for in our lives. And it's really amazing to see the commonality in the things for which people are grateful, as well as the uniqueness.

Beautifully Buzzed

Here's my beautiful boy. He looks so vulnerable and strong at the same time. I see him as a golden buddha boy.



Bowie has become a complete fish. Swimming across the shallow bit of the pool, doing back flips over and over and over again, having Chris throw him up into the air and go completely submerged. It's totally amazing. Last week he was swimming, but with hesitation, attached to his wonderful snorkel. But ever since we went to the Y's pools with slides he's been loving going under with just goggles on. But he hated the way the googles caught in his hair, hated having to push his hair aside when coming up for air. A few days ago while we were in the pool Bowie said, "I decided not to grow my hair long. I decided to cut it every week with those buzzing cutters Papa uses." And he has been utterly set on this. We talked about how good it would feel when he's swimming and running. We talked about how his hair would grow back but not right away, that it was something he couldn't change his mind about. I did show him some cute cuts that were still very short and framed far from his eyes, but he wanted to do it at home like Papa.

And so today, I buzzed his beautiful golden waves onto the bathroom floor. He smiled and made faces and shook his hair as it transformed into different shapes. He curled his shoulders up to his chin as it tickled his ears and neck. And afterwards, he looked at himself in the mirror. A look of sadness came over him. He frowned, turned to me and jumped to my arms and said, "I want it all back the way it was right now." He knew it couldn't happen and it seemed that he was calmly but with some remorse accepting that feeling of loss and fear about change. I held him and just waited while he talked through it, whimpered and shed a few tears. When he seemed to have stilled a bit, I suggested that we go swim to feel what it's like with his hair short. He jumped in, popped up to the surface, and smiling said, "I feel better now. Now I am happy I cut my hair."

I too am happy he cut his hair. It makes me so happy to see him so happy. It makes me happy to hear so many people say how they see Chris in him now, those gorgeous lips and arched eyebrows. It makes me happy to see my boys both masked and horsing around in our pool after Chris gets home from work.

I will miss his silky waves. But I am awed by this boy and his clear vision of what he wants for himself, able to be sad so deeply and then effortlessly shift into joy as he celebrates what is and not what he was...my golden buddha boy sharing his lessons with me.

Sweetest Staying Up Late Boy Ever

Last night I had some mama friends over for pool night (though nobody swam haa haaa) so tonight I was feeling really beat by the hottest day of the season and a long afternoon in the backyard. Bowie was dragging his feet but I could not wait any longer for sleep. So when Bowie said he wanted the lights on in his room, I said , "Okay. I am going to go in my room because I want to sleep and you know how I prefer a dark room for sleeping." He played in his room for a few minutes, then came to me saying he was hungry. I told him that he could get food for himself but that I was staying in bed. He said he was afraid of the dark. I reminded him that he can turn on the lights now. So he got his lantern, turned on the kitchen light, went to the fridge and got out yogurt, brought it to me to open, took it back to the dining room and ate it. I heard him ask, "Is it okay to open the trash can?" I answered, "Of course sweetie." He came into my bed and said, "I didn't want to wake you up with the loud trash can. I put my dirty spoon in the dishwasher mama. I opened it up, put it in the basket and shut the door. But I didn't press the button to turn it on because I wanted to be quiet and the dishwasher is very noisy." He flipped around on the bed a bit then said, "Is the flusher loud in here?" I told him it wasn't too loud in the bedroom and asked if he needed to go potty. He said, "Yep" and jumped off the bed and across the hall to potty. I heard him in there, one time passing gas and I heard this little, "Excuse me." I smiled with my eyes shut tight in my dark comfy room, thinking about what a wonderful little soul this boy has. He returned, curled up next to me and fell right to sleep. Sure there are the demanding moments, the angry and seemingly unreasonable moments (on both sides), he is full of all these real emotions and experimenting with communication. But the caring boy that took care of himself quietly and politely so that I could sleep...he lightens my heart and fills me with trust. Thank you sweet boy. I am counting this night as a Mama's day gift.



This photo is from a few nights ago. His self chosen dinner...naked in his camp chair, a box of cherry tomatoes, half an apple and half a pint of strawberries. Just in case I was feeling odd about the whole child size pizza and 2 cookies from Mandola's that were his lunch; he ALWAYS shows me that I can trust him to know what he needs!

Growth not Guilt

I've been struggling the past few days after Bowie's 4-year wellcheck appointment. He hasn't gone to the doctor much. I'd say 4 times. We've been blessed with good health and we have a lifestyle that allows us to let colds, ringworm, and ear infections (he had one a couple of years ago) run their course with minimal intervention. But I hoped that going to the doctor at regular times of wellbeing would be a good way to build up feelings of safety in the event that we do ever need a doctor's help. Fear based thinking...should have known.

Well, we talked about it as the day approached. Bowie pretended to be the doctor, looking in my ears and mouth with his flashlight. We got up and had breakfast kolaches (one of his favorites) and all went together to the office, sat in the lobby and looked at magazines. No problem. But when his name was called, Bowie went to hide behind Chris and covered his face. Oh my, I don't know if I can write this all out because it makes me too sad to spell out every sign that Chris and I ignored. But I am trying to go beyond that place of guilt and get to the growth...

Well, he flipped out. He eventually calmed down enough to speak to the doctor for a bit. The exam was a sham. He wouldn't participate at all. As we walked out of the office, Chris and I just said, "We should have just left." We should have listened to him. Why didn't we? Chris and I are both "yes" people. And I take a long time to absorb and respond. So we failed Bowie there. He told us so clearly that he didn't want to be there, yet we stayed. We achieved exactly the opposite of what we hoped for but most disappointingly, we did not keep the strength of our family relationship as our guide.

I've spent three days working through this. Trying to get past the guilt and using this experience to know that I will not ever fail Bowie in that way again. I will listen and know that his trust is worth more than the $65 fee, more than the opinion of the doctor, more than hearing a stranger say that my son is healthy when I know full well that he just perfect.

Castle in the City

Oh, there are so many fun photos from Medieval Times. You may have seen it driving through Dallas on I-35. Didn't ever look like much to me. But as Bowie began to develop his interests in knights and weapons, I saw it differently. Magically. Bowie said, "There is a castle in the CITY!" His sweet grandma chose to make her grandson happy for her birthday...and we all had a weirdly wonderful time. Much people watching, beer drinking, shouting and shushing (Chris loved to shout "BOO!!!!!" at the other knights, especially the red knight who I found especially charming), eating with hands (no forks or spoons), flag waving, giggling...





My mother-in-law's favorite moment was when they announced the birthdays, "Sean is 8 years old. Alma is celebrating an undisclosed birthday. And Karen is 62 years old!" When my hubbie set up the birthday greeting he showed that he doesn't really understand some things about women...we whooped and hollered! And again I announce it here, heee heeee. Hey, age is something to be proud of, right?!



The costume...I bought it after Halloween at 75% off from Garnet Hill. Isn't it amazing? I kept it a secret until the right time, and this was most definitely the right place and time. The cape was a favorite gift from Grandma Karen. Everyone was watching Bowie as he walked into the hall. The other kids pointed him out, people smiled and stopped to talk to him. I was expecting him to want to get out of it, but 3 hours into it he was still dressed top to bottom.


Something I love about the way I've changed my life in the past couple of years is that I can see joy and beauty in a place that I previously would have wanted to avoid. I can see it for the amazing spectacle that Bowie sees, and that is so good. This has affected my life in a very profound way, opening my life up to happiness in almost any circumstance. This was an easy one!

Medieval Times

Oh what a fun fun weekend with the Grandfolks in Dallas. We were treated to dinner at Medieval Times

I will fill in the details and share more of the heartmelting adorable photos of Bowie all decked out in his finery soon. But this wench is tired from a day's toil and off to slumber I must.

Swim

This water boy...he was born into the water. And then we took him to the local municipal pool when he was 5 weeks old. He seemed to love it from the start, enjoying the weightlessness that must have recalled the womb (though surely those last few weeks in there he didn't have room for any floating seeing as he seemed to be wedged in there pretty well). We dreamed of being one of those water baby families, submerged and swimming newborns. He sputtered and didn't seem to mind too much, but it certainty wasn't instantaneous mastery or comfort. We enrolled in a YMCA class when he turned one and he happily splashed along with the little songs and blew bubbles. But a year later, he wanted nothing to do with the class. All he wanted to do was jump from the edge into his Papa's arms...so that is what they did, the instructor trying to reengage them but they had their own agenda.

The last month of swimming before the cold weather came last October Bowie was beginning to swim. He had spent the whole summer saying that he'd rather be in the wading pools, choosing to float and submerge himself in the 3 feet deep waters while I pined for the cool deeper waters. I saw children forced into the water, crying and trying to climb up their parents and knew that I had to wait for Bowie to be ready, even as I felt like those shallow waters were simmering around me. I could see how much confidence and comfort he had in those waters, wearing goggles and reaching down with his face under water to retrieve diving toys. He would hold his breath and float. All on his own. No lessons or guidance from me.

And then we discovered the amazing outdoor pool at one of the suburban YMCA's. As soon as he saw the water slide, he was more than willing to go deep. The life guards allowed us to wait down at the end of it to catch him. Initially, Chris stood right there catching him up nearly immediately. I suggested he pause a second or two. We continued to gradually increase the time he was in the water before scooping him up. We went again the next day. I stepped a few steps back. And I saw that he could kick himself up to the surface. So I paused and stepped back, and he would get his head above water on his own. And then in ever so tiny increments, I'd extend the time before pulling him to me, both of us laughing and smiling, him shouting and coughing out, "Again!" Within that week he was swimming up to me and then to the ladder. I was always in arms reach, always reached out if I saw his hand searching for mine.

And when we moved into our house in the fall, we swam here in our very cold pool for about 2 weeks before things got frigid, even for a little boy that loves to swim. He must have leapt into the deep end and swam to me then over to the step at least 200 times. I remember seeing how hard it was for him, how he'd sputter and spit and gasp, yet it was so joyful for him. I really connected this to unschooling. I was seeing how none of it was scary, none of it needed to be coerced out of him, none of it was even encouraged and all of it was his own desire and my willingness to observe and support him.

Twice Bowie fell into the pool between swim seasons. The first time I was right beside him and pulled him out right away. The second time I was gardening and he was on the other side of the pool, watching the pool vacuum. He leaned too far over and went in head first. It only took a moment to get over to him, but he was treading water, his face above water catching his breath. He cried about his gardening boots that had slipped off and were on the bottom of the pool. I stayed calm and we talked about how he had been able to keep his head up, how he had been close enough to grab the edge, what he could do if he fell in again. It was is favorite story to share for days.

Late in the winter we stayed at a hotel with a pool thinking how much fun Bowie would have. Well, he was wary of the deep end again. Chris kept trying to lure him, playfully, but Bowie wouldn't bite. I reminded Chris that it might take him awhile to build up his comfort again. We couldn't assume that he's in the same place he was a few months ago. Our first few swims at home this spring, Bowie clung to us. He held on with his hands and feet.

I held him and reassured him that I wouldn't let go until he told me he was ready. I told him that he should only be in the water when and where he feels safe. He started to enjoy the steps and floating on rafts. He fell off a raft twice one afternoon, again able to keep his head above water and this time grabbed the raft to steady himself while Chris got to him. Chris smiled at him, reacting in a joyful, calm way.

And then we got a noodle at the pool supply store on Saturday. He immediately seemed to feel so confident with it. He jumped into the water, would get completely submerged and then, in his own words, "Pop up to the surface!" I had read and heard that noodles weren't too hindering to the process of learning to swim, unlike arm bands and life jackets ( we never used any of those items..if he had wanted to I guess we would have tried them but I never wanted to impart that he needed them to be safe). And I could see why the noodle was recommended. It didn't hold his full weight. He held it under his arms and his body would float in a horizontal fashion, rather that the vertical flotation of other swim devices. He loved it and felt totally safe with it and swam across the pool with his noodle tucked under his arms.

The past 2 evenings he put his snorkel on and swam over the steps to the shallow end, noodle free. Tonight, after swimming with the noodle all day, he spent the last hour swimming all over the shallow end with his snorkel and mask. Initially he sort of jerked himself around, legs dangling down. But he seemed to understand that if he raised his legs up behind him that he'd make more forward movement, and by bedtime he was really looking like a swimmer. Chris and I grinned ear to ear, cheered him on, swam near him but he was adamant that he did NOT want to be touched while he was swimming.

I am so thankful to him for constantly giving me the lesson of trust. There can be a lot of fear associated with water, for parents perhaps more so than children. But over and over again, he shows me that I can trust him, that I can trust the world to unfold and for us to grow and learn as we live in it.

Birds Barbershop

Two days ago Bowie said he wanted to get his hair cut, to get it out of his eyes. I told him we could go where I go, Birds. I couldn't bear the idea of going to a place and them cutting it so short again, and I knew that the stylists there would understand what we wanted. And they did. Vanessa is a mama of a boy herself and she was great with him as he sat through his second haircut. He made silly faces at himself in the mirror and tried to stay still though forgetting occasionally. Afterwards he "played" on their awesome circa 80s arcade game...donky kong, galaga, and pac man. On our way to the car, he held my hand and happily chirped, "Everytime my hair gets long in my eyes I will come to this hair cutting place and cut it."

When I posted the first picture on flickr, I got an enormous amount of interest in his adorable shirt (which yes I chose with exactly the image of him in front of the neon in my mind). It is made by ramonster, an Austin based clothing designer. We can't leave the house without people asking us about it. It's size 2T and I am still saying it fits...

Autumn fawn photography

Perhaps this will help explain my absence from the blog...Autumn fawn photography

I am so excited about sharing this passion with other families. And nervous about how I will balance my life but I know that if I want it, we can make it work. Wish me luck!

Time Passes On

Last week was Chris and my sister's birthday (the SAME day!) and the following day was my grannie's 80th birthday. We went up to Lubbock this weekend for party celebrated by all of her 5 children and some of her grandchildren and Bowie represented her great grandkids. A long life...puts my 35 years and Bowie's 3 and 3/4 years in perspective. Sometimes I feel so defined in who I am and Bowie seems so big, but there is so much more ahead of us, world willing.

Bowie loves her shell, glass, and rock collections. So many pretties to look at and touch and balance.

Poop..Too Much Info

I won't scar anyone with photos of this. But Bowie poops in the backyard. It's barley 40 degrees, raining, thundering and he goes outside and poops on the grass. He's been doing this about a week now. About once or twice a day. Sometimes we bag it up the way we do with Tuba's little mounds. Sometimes Tuba beats us to it and she cleans it up; I wonder if she prefers cat or human turds?

I KNOW this is gross. I feel actually quite gross writing about it. But it's real. And we mamas need real stories so that when our children say that they want to take a dump on the turf, we won't feel so crazy. We'll know this too will pass (excuse the pun), that it won't make the dog sick, and it will serve us well on camping trips.

Boy's Dog

For awhile now, Bowie has been sleeping with Tuba's bed next to his. One day he said that he wanted Tuba's bed in his room. He pulled it from our bedroom across the hall to his room. We weren't feeling really confident that Tuba would settle in there. But she did. She's been sleeping in there ever since, waits at Bowie's door to be let in if Bowie is already asleep in there.

Bowie took this Polaroid of Tuba. We just ordered 8 packs of film after hearing that Polaroid was
discontinuing instant film production. We really should order more. He can blow through a whole pack really quickly.

And the photo of them together, Bowie wrapped his arm around Tuba's neck and asked me to take a picture of them. What a grin! And what a patient doggie. Tuba is almost 10 years old. But she runs and runs herself. She's an obsessive fetcher. Today we took her out hiking and swimming and she didn't tire a bit while out there...but has been completely pooped all evening.

Random Thoughts

"Disney is a nickname for previews and commercials. I don't like previews and commercials. Not ever."

"Happy Gun Day!"

"Only papas go to work?"

Some random recent quotes from Bowie. Funny boy.

Too Busy

Generally, I don't like to be busy. I like stillness. But my passions are stirring me on well past my bedtimes. A very exciting personal goal of mine is coming to fruition soon! But I am at the computer more than I like and when I pull myself away I realize that I have so many photos and stories to share...but can't bear to sit at the keyboard another moment.

Well tonight is Chris's band rehearsal night so I'll take a few more moments to tell you about a great little online press called blurb. I didn't motivate to make photo advent calendars for the grandfolks this year after the move and have felt sad about that for months. And I've got hundreds and hundreds of edited photos and can barely imagine myself putting together albums...so I decided to make a book with some of my photos. You can check out a little sample of it here. I just threw it together and it was so easy with the templates. Of course now I am burning to make something better and more beautiful...with some of my journalling included and larger files (rather than my flickr files). But I am so glad I went ahead and did it. My mom cried today when I gave it to her. Make your own today!

Beautiful Mess

Remember doing this? It's so fun...the spontaneity and mystery of how it will end up is so addicting. I found one of these for just $12 this morning and Bowie made 5 of them this afternoon. Then carried around the machine forever turning it on and off.

I think this is a totally great activity for 3-4 year olds. It is so much about process and surprise. Bowie kept looking at them saying, "They all are different." He calls them, "the beautiful messes." The directions called for glitter to be sprinkled on them with the machine off, but immediately he knew he wanted to sprinkle it on while spinning. Glitter dusted the table and floor but he got the hand vacuum and cleaned up after himself (the dust vac is also a totally great activity for 3-4 year olds...after cutting, while I'm vacuuming, after a messy snack). Can't wait to make more tomorrow!

Our unschooling day:
*Wake up and watch Deep Sea IMAX (talked about it several times through the day)
*Go to Gattitown...for over 2 hours. He loves this place! Being really present with him to see what he loves about it is how I survive and even manage to enjoy it in the end. 2 years ago I couldn't imagine feeling right about taking him there, but I don't fear it anymore.
*Tuesday Morning next door...walk all the aisles. He picked up so many glass and ceramic items. And put each back, "where I found it." I love that we can do this together now. Find the spin art!! Bowie examines a big Robot (went to a robotics demonstration at a local high school last weekend), a fleet of rescue vehicles, a tank, a racing helmet, water guns, water guns, and finally a laser type gun which we agree to get...except that he wants a candy bar (at Gattitown we decided that rather than pay $1 to play a game and maybe wind a candy bar to go to the dollar stare next door and get one for sure for half a dollar but got sidetracked here) so he puts the gun back happily.
*Go the the dollar store where he chooses a snickers. As soon as we walk out the door he asks me to open it, he takes one bite caramel trailing from his hand to his mouth, and gives it to me asking me to throw it away because he doesn't like it so much. He amazes me, that he didn't feel upset in the least. He said, "I would prefer that it be ALL chocolate."
*Come home and make 5 spin art creations. Clean up.
*Work picking up sticks in the backyard, cleaning the pool, weeding...Bowie helps and investigates. He finds an empty snail shell. He cleans it at least 4 times. He finds a living snail and puts it in his observation box. We google "snail diet". Put some of the weeds into the box. He wants to see it eat then set it free.
*We dance to my valentine's day ipod playlist while I fold laundry (which he helped me to put into the washer and dryer). We listened to "Reach Out, I'll Be There" at least 10 times. He's been loving that song for about 2 weeks now. MUST find the damn power cord for the video camera!
*Sit on the couch together, leaning on each other as we wait for Papa to come home...I sing along to Jill Scott, Jeff Buckley, REM. I love to sing and he's very kind audience.
*Papa!!!!!

Anyway, I write this all out because sometimes I am just amazed at the weird diversity of our day. And to remind myself of how far we've come in this pursuit of joy in our family...candy bars and Gattitown don't fit what I had "wanted" for our son. But the magic of riding along in his joy is SO much better than any of my preconceived desires for him.

I also write this because in the past 2 weeks I have received 3 really touching emails from people who have been silently reading here or looking at my photos on flickr. My motivations for writing this blog vary constantly...the personal need to document this life, sharing with family and friends that don't get to see us as much as we'd all like, soul searching and reflection about our family, and the one I have struggled with a bit...the relationship with the reader. I sometimes wonder if I want to continue sharing so publicly. But when I know that someone reads this, sees how I see the beauty of our family and it connects with or inspires them, I know that this is good. And I know how much I've gained from so many people sharing publicly. I have my wee tribe around me but this is a broader tribe that I value as well...thanks to everyone sharing your stories out there.

Safe Hand Positioning

Correct Hand Positioning
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

Today I posted this photo of Bowie cutting up apples for applesauce on flickr. Someone wrote me asking about unschooling and it was a chance to spend sometime being reflective about it. Here are some of the things I wrote in response to her interest:

"I was a teacher, toddlers to 3rd grade, public school and private Montessori. So I am in process with that (unschooling myself), as you can imagine. But one of the most amazing things is that this unschooling approach actually feels the closest to the things in my education that really excited me: the journals, the child portfolios, the book clubs, all the stuff we studied called “authentic” learning through authentic tasks. I was on fire with passion for all of that. By having so much time to live life together, we are doing all of these authentic tasks driven by authentic interest . I don’t often come to Bowie in the morning with the tasks in mine. Leaving our days open allows us to really dig deep into whatever our interests are (for instance making the grocery list together, discovering that Bowie wants to make applesauce, looking up the recipe to add ingredients to our list, going grocery shopping, cooking it, enjoying it, photographing it, reliving it through the pictures and telling people about the experience, etc.)

This quote really captures what feels so right about it to me:

“ ...if the child is left to himself, he will think more and better, if less showily. Let him go and come freely, let him touch real things and combine his impressions for himself, instead of sitting indoors at a little round table, while a sweet-voiced teacher suggests that he build a stone wall with his wooden blocks, or make a rainbow out of strips of coloured paper, or plant straw trees in bead flower-pots. Such teaching fills the mind with artificial associations that must be got rid of, before the child can develop independent ideas out of actual experience." -- Anne Sullivan

Well there I go on and on…but I imagine that you get the idea that I love it for our family."

And this:

"And I totally relate to your desire to make childhood magical. What I never imagined was how magical it would make all of our lives. It allows me to learn and meet my needs as well. Now don't imagine that we don't have our hard moments, even hard days. We ARE living life here!"

I am in such an early stage of unschooling. There are many areas in which I have yet to give myself over to the flow. But I accept it joyfully in the places that it natural fills and I give attention to areas that are damned up as I begin to trust my need for it there. I am filled with the anticipation for our future and so utterly in the joy of each day in a way that I have never been.

Why Not?

The radical unschooling lifestyle has so impacted us. Now, "Why not?" comes to us naturally in most situations. And that opens our lives up to freedom and creativity and mutual respect.

Yesterday was warm and sunny and we were wishing that our pool water was warmer (60 is too cold to sound really appealing if you ask me). I said jokingly, "We could go canoeing in the pool." But Bowie didn't see the joke, he saw the opportunity. So we did. All of us took turns, Bowie practiced getting in and out and in and out and paddling. What fun! And then my boys decided that they would like to swim and went in their shorts. Why not? I did however say it was too cold for me.

A Few Recent Favorites

I've spent this month developing a love affair with my new camera and the light in and around our home. I haven't taken this many photos in a long time. Bowie indulges me. We make win/win agreements. Yesterday when he was saying he wanted me to set up his bouncy house and I was saying that I wanted to take a few photos of him he said, "I care about your feelings and what you want Mama." My dear dear boy. During a trying day of emotional interactions, he gives me this gift. I've really been pushing myself with my photo editting as well, using different actions and textures in Photoshop and applying presets in Adoble Camera Raw. I even made my first simple action! I am not naturally computer savvy, so learning these things really must be a conscious task on my part.

Sharing Passions II

When I met Bowie's papa he was drumming in 2 bands, had his drumset in his living room, practiced almost everyday, played at least a show a week. When I began feeling the need to have a baby in our family, he asked me to wait a couple of years. He said that he wasn't ready to be the papa he knew he would want to be. So I waited and was part of his rock and roll lifestyle, happily and willingly but tapping my fingers nonetheless. (We now smile upon the weary childless couples we see barely rising for their first meal at 2pm while we have been going full stop since 7am.) The time came when he was ready. And Bowie came. And shows got cut, and rehearsals dwindled down, and the band wanted to tour and...now Chris plays once a week with some other rock loving papas (and one single rock loving lady) and recently he splurged on an electric drumset so that he could practice at home (which in our new home is placed next to Bowie's own set). He has two headsets so that Bowie can listen in while he shows off. It is really impressive. I fill with more, more love for him as I see him do what he loves and then overflow as I see him sharing it with Bowie.

As with my photography, we aren't invested in him following us and our passions, but we are sure that him seeing us do what we love will lead him to do what he loves.

Loving Cousins

Yesterday was a beautiful cool day so we went to the zoo with my parents and Bowie's older cousin Honey. My family went to this zoo a lot when I was a child. I have a lot of good memories there and it was fun to be sharing that again with my folks. The lions roared, the snow leopard was fluffed up, the grizzly bear was watching us watch him, the python was slithering, the sun was shining, the air was crisp and we ended the day at a greasy spoon. Honey and Bowie sat next to each other and my favorite moment of the day happened here.

Honey said, "Bowie, I fell in love with you." She looked at him, repeating and smiling, repeating and batting her eyelashes. Bowie finally answered, "Honey, I care about how you feel." OH the silly sweetness still fills me.

Sharing Passions

Lately Bowie has really been enjoying photography. Since I now have 2 bodies, Bowie has been using my d70 some. He changes composition vertically and horizontally. He asks for the light lens when he sees that I've put on the zoom. And he says, "You are gonna love these." while watching the playback. It's so fun to be sharing one of my great passions with him. Really looking forward to seeing how this evolves. I promised that I'd adjust the neck strap to fit him.

Moving In and Getting Messy

Bowie is getting really into messy independent play in his room. It's fun! Lots of rediscovery of old toys. It can be a real struggle for me to keep my order needs in check. It's his space. These objects are only valuable if he uses them. Sometimes I just have to walk away so that I won't interfere with requests for things to be put away. Other times I can shed those control tendencies by getting out my camera. Through the viewfinder I can see how interesting, beautiful, and meaningful these messy playtimes are in a way that can sometimes elude me.

Loving his new room so much. A few weeks ago I woke up in Bowie's bed (he has a full size platform so that we can be comfortable together in either bedroom) and very first thing he said was, "This place is so lovely. Thank you for buying this house." I just glowed with happiness for us all. We are so lucky.