Too Busy

Generally, I don't like to be busy. I like stillness. But my passions are stirring me on well past my bedtimes. A very exciting personal goal of mine is coming to fruition soon! But I am at the computer more than I like and when I pull myself away I realize that I have so many photos and stories to share...but can't bear to sit at the keyboard another moment.

Well tonight is Chris's band rehearsal night so I'll take a few more moments to tell you about a great little online press called blurb. I didn't motivate to make photo advent calendars for the grandfolks this year after the move and have felt sad about that for months. And I've got hundreds and hundreds of edited photos and can barely imagine myself putting together albums...so I decided to make a book with some of my photos. You can check out a little sample of it here. I just threw it together and it was so easy with the templates. Of course now I am burning to make something better and more beautiful...with some of my journalling included and larger files (rather than my flickr files). But I am so glad I went ahead and did it. My mom cried today when I gave it to her. Make your own today!

Beautiful Mess

Remember doing this? It's so fun...the spontaneity and mystery of how it will end up is so addicting. I found one of these for just $12 this morning and Bowie made 5 of them this afternoon. Then carried around the machine forever turning it on and off.

I think this is a totally great activity for 3-4 year olds. It is so much about process and surprise. Bowie kept looking at them saying, "They all are different." He calls them, "the beautiful messes." The directions called for glitter to be sprinkled on them with the machine off, but immediately he knew he wanted to sprinkle it on while spinning. Glitter dusted the table and floor but he got the hand vacuum and cleaned up after himself (the dust vac is also a totally great activity for 3-4 year olds...after cutting, while I'm vacuuming, after a messy snack). Can't wait to make more tomorrow!

Our unschooling day:
*Wake up and watch Deep Sea IMAX (talked about it several times through the day)
*Go to Gattitown...for over 2 hours. He loves this place! Being really present with him to see what he loves about it is how I survive and even manage to enjoy it in the end. 2 years ago I couldn't imagine feeling right about taking him there, but I don't fear it anymore.
*Tuesday Morning next door...walk all the aisles. He picked up so many glass and ceramic items. And put each back, "where I found it." I love that we can do this together now. Find the spin art!! Bowie examines a big Robot (went to a robotics demonstration at a local high school last weekend), a fleet of rescue vehicles, a tank, a racing helmet, water guns, water guns, and finally a laser type gun which we agree to get...except that he wants a candy bar (at Gattitown we decided that rather than pay $1 to play a game and maybe wind a candy bar to go to the dollar stare next door and get one for sure for half a dollar but got sidetracked here) so he puts the gun back happily.
*Go the the dollar store where he chooses a snickers. As soon as we walk out the door he asks me to open it, he takes one bite caramel trailing from his hand to his mouth, and gives it to me asking me to throw it away because he doesn't like it so much. He amazes me, that he didn't feel upset in the least. He said, "I would prefer that it be ALL chocolate."
*Come home and make 5 spin art creations. Clean up.
*Work picking up sticks in the backyard, cleaning the pool, weeding...Bowie helps and investigates. He finds an empty snail shell. He cleans it at least 4 times. He finds a living snail and puts it in his observation box. We google "snail diet". Put some of the weeds into the box. He wants to see it eat then set it free.
*We dance to my valentine's day ipod playlist while I fold laundry (which he helped me to put into the washer and dryer). We listened to "Reach Out, I'll Be There" at least 10 times. He's been loving that song for about 2 weeks now. MUST find the damn power cord for the video camera!
*Sit on the couch together, leaning on each other as we wait for Papa to come home...I sing along to Jill Scott, Jeff Buckley, REM. I love to sing and he's very kind audience.
*Papa!!!!!

Anyway, I write this all out because sometimes I am just amazed at the weird diversity of our day. And to remind myself of how far we've come in this pursuit of joy in our family...candy bars and Gattitown don't fit what I had "wanted" for our son. But the magic of riding along in his joy is SO much better than any of my preconceived desires for him.

I also write this because in the past 2 weeks I have received 3 really touching emails from people who have been silently reading here or looking at my photos on flickr. My motivations for writing this blog vary constantly...the personal need to document this life, sharing with family and friends that don't get to see us as much as we'd all like, soul searching and reflection about our family, and the one I have struggled with a bit...the relationship with the reader. I sometimes wonder if I want to continue sharing so publicly. But when I know that someone reads this, sees how I see the beauty of our family and it connects with or inspires them, I know that this is good. And I know how much I've gained from so many people sharing publicly. I have my wee tribe around me but this is a broader tribe that I value as well...thanks to everyone sharing your stories out there.

Safe Hand Positioning

Correct Hand Positioning
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

Today I posted this photo of Bowie cutting up apples for applesauce on flickr. Someone wrote me asking about unschooling and it was a chance to spend sometime being reflective about it. Here are some of the things I wrote in response to her interest:

"I was a teacher, toddlers to 3rd grade, public school and private Montessori. So I am in process with that (unschooling myself), as you can imagine. But one of the most amazing things is that this unschooling approach actually feels the closest to the things in my education that really excited me: the journals, the child portfolios, the book clubs, all the stuff we studied called “authentic” learning through authentic tasks. I was on fire with passion for all of that. By having so much time to live life together, we are doing all of these authentic tasks driven by authentic interest . I don’t often come to Bowie in the morning with the tasks in mine. Leaving our days open allows us to really dig deep into whatever our interests are (for instance making the grocery list together, discovering that Bowie wants to make applesauce, looking up the recipe to add ingredients to our list, going grocery shopping, cooking it, enjoying it, photographing it, reliving it through the pictures and telling people about the experience, etc.)

This quote really captures what feels so right about it to me:

“ ...if the child is left to himself, he will think more and better, if less showily. Let him go and come freely, let him touch real things and combine his impressions for himself, instead of sitting indoors at a little round table, while a sweet-voiced teacher suggests that he build a stone wall with his wooden blocks, or make a rainbow out of strips of coloured paper, or plant straw trees in bead flower-pots. Such teaching fills the mind with artificial associations that must be got rid of, before the child can develop independent ideas out of actual experience." -- Anne Sullivan

Well there I go on and on…but I imagine that you get the idea that I love it for our family."

And this:

"And I totally relate to your desire to make childhood magical. What I never imagined was how magical it would make all of our lives. It allows me to learn and meet my needs as well. Now don't imagine that we don't have our hard moments, even hard days. We ARE living life here!"

I am in such an early stage of unschooling. There are many areas in which I have yet to give myself over to the flow. But I accept it joyfully in the places that it natural fills and I give attention to areas that are damned up as I begin to trust my need for it there. I am filled with the anticipation for our future and so utterly in the joy of each day in a way that I have never been.

Why Not?

The radical unschooling lifestyle has so impacted us. Now, "Why not?" comes to us naturally in most situations. And that opens our lives up to freedom and creativity and mutual respect.

Yesterday was warm and sunny and we were wishing that our pool water was warmer (60 is too cold to sound really appealing if you ask me). I said jokingly, "We could go canoeing in the pool." But Bowie didn't see the joke, he saw the opportunity. So we did. All of us took turns, Bowie practiced getting in and out and in and out and paddling. What fun! And then my boys decided that they would like to swim and went in their shorts. Why not? I did however say it was too cold for me.

A Few Recent Favorites

I've spent this month developing a love affair with my new camera and the light in and around our home. I haven't taken this many photos in a long time. Bowie indulges me. We make win/win agreements. Yesterday when he was saying he wanted me to set up his bouncy house and I was saying that I wanted to take a few photos of him he said, "I care about your feelings and what you want Mama." My dear dear boy. During a trying day of emotional interactions, he gives me this gift. I've really been pushing myself with my photo editting as well, using different actions and textures in Photoshop and applying presets in Adoble Camera Raw. I even made my first simple action! I am not naturally computer savvy, so learning these things really must be a conscious task on my part.

Sharing Passions II

When I met Bowie's papa he was drumming in 2 bands, had his drumset in his living room, practiced almost everyday, played at least a show a week. When I began feeling the need to have a baby in our family, he asked me to wait a couple of years. He said that he wasn't ready to be the papa he knew he would want to be. So I waited and was part of his rock and roll lifestyle, happily and willingly but tapping my fingers nonetheless. (We now smile upon the weary childless couples we see barely rising for their first meal at 2pm while we have been going full stop since 7am.) The time came when he was ready. And Bowie came. And shows got cut, and rehearsals dwindled down, and the band wanted to tour and...now Chris plays once a week with some other rock loving papas (and one single rock loving lady) and recently he splurged on an electric drumset so that he could practice at home (which in our new home is placed next to Bowie's own set). He has two headsets so that Bowie can listen in while he shows off. It is really impressive. I fill with more, more love for him as I see him do what he loves and then overflow as I see him sharing it with Bowie.

As with my photography, we aren't invested in him following us and our passions, but we are sure that him seeing us do what we love will lead him to do what he loves.

Loving Cousins

Yesterday was a beautiful cool day so we went to the zoo with my parents and Bowie's older cousin Honey. My family went to this zoo a lot when I was a child. I have a lot of good memories there and it was fun to be sharing that again with my folks. The lions roared, the snow leopard was fluffed up, the grizzly bear was watching us watch him, the python was slithering, the sun was shining, the air was crisp and we ended the day at a greasy spoon. Honey and Bowie sat next to each other and my favorite moment of the day happened here.

Honey said, "Bowie, I fell in love with you." She looked at him, repeating and smiling, repeating and batting her eyelashes. Bowie finally answered, "Honey, I care about how you feel." OH the silly sweetness still fills me.

Sharing Passions

Lately Bowie has really been enjoying photography. Since I now have 2 bodies, Bowie has been using my d70 some. He changes composition vertically and horizontally. He asks for the light lens when he sees that I've put on the zoom. And he says, "You are gonna love these." while watching the playback. It's so fun to be sharing one of my great passions with him. Really looking forward to seeing how this evolves. I promised that I'd adjust the neck strap to fit him.

Moving In and Getting Messy

Bowie is getting really into messy independent play in his room. It's fun! Lots of rediscovery of old toys. It can be a real struggle for me to keep my order needs in check. It's his space. These objects are only valuable if he uses them. Sometimes I just have to walk away so that I won't interfere with requests for things to be put away. Other times I can shed those control tendencies by getting out my camera. Through the viewfinder I can see how interesting, beautiful, and meaningful these messy playtimes are in a way that can sometimes elude me.

Loving his new room so much. A few weeks ago I woke up in Bowie's bed (he has a full size platform so that we can be comfortable together in either bedroom) and very first thing he said was, "This place is so lovely. Thank you for buying this house." I just glowed with happiness for us all. We are so lucky.

Monster Towel

The thing I most looked forward to giving to Bowie this year was this hooded towel. It is made with a thick terry. It is fun. It is handmade! He loves getting wrapped up in towels but gets frustrated when they fall off. When I saw this I knew that he would love it. And he does. It gives him comfort and inspires him, what a combination.

I will need to add some sort of tie or snap at the collar to really ensure that it stays on but otherwise I find it perfect. The edges unraveled at bit at first washing but I think it gives it a welcome soft look. The price is hefty, but I am glad the money went to something beautiful and made with creativity.

If you need your own...Mayhar Drygoods

Christmas at Home

This is the first time Chris and I have awoken in our own home for Christmas. I have been waiting and waiting for this day with my child. I do enjoy the extended family Christmas too, but the intimate, quiet morning with my child and husband was one of the best Christmas mornings ever. We stayed up late the night before being the Christmas elves setting up his new domino race set (totally inspired by all the domino racing we did at Thanksgiving) so that when he woke up and came into the living room he'd see this magical, colorful maze with bridges and bell. He then leisurely opened his 4 wrapped gifts and opened his stocking. It really warmed our hearts to see how interested and appreciative he was of each one. Perhaps the DK Ultimate Star Wars book was his favorite. Or the handmade (sadly, not by me) monster cape towel may have been the fave...time will tell. And looking out the window when setting up his Rainbow Maker I saw the surprise gift that Chris had been hinting at for a couple of weeks- a bike for me and a trailer bike for Bowie. We have been riding everyday since.

Our evening and afternoon was shared with my mom, sis, niece nephew and mom's family. It's wonderful to have the energy of the children at these events. And we are so lucky to have so much family near us. As the day grew longer, Bowie said at one point, "I've had enough presents." I wonder if we'll ever hear those words again?

Snow

A wonderfully crafty friend of mine (who I believe has even met Martha Stewart herself, who is inspiring and infuriating all at the same time to me) had a little snow globe making shindig. So fun. So fun. He chose two snowmen and a trumpet, clear and blue glitter. I did that gluing and such but he had this real true felling of having made something. Wonderful. He held it and looked at it all day. I had to make my own at home. Not perfect. Not Martha. But fun nonetheless. And good for my perfectionist tendencies...to just enjoy the process, for Bowie to see me making something that isn't perfect but is still full of joy and magic.

Play With Me

I have a new camera. The Nikon D300. It looks to be wonderful and intimidating as well. I want to learn it through and through to utilize all the benefits. But I need to update my computer a bit to work with the RAW files. I haven't played around with it much yet. Reading the manual still. But I do know that I love the 51 focal points! And I may stray from manual a bit since the exposure programs seem quite good.

Bowie and I played and played Thursday afternoon in his room. It gets beautiful afternoon light. He let me take pictures of what I wanted in exchange for many many photos of him with his pillow case on his head. I can't share those photos here though because that was all he had on, besides a necklace. Oh, and fingernail polish. Hee hee heeeee. We've painted his nails twice this week. Love my boy. The joy and silliness and openness.

The Snail that Broke His Heart

Bowie took such good care of this snail for a whole morning. He brought it snacks of leaves and observed it...he said it was the most special, beautiful snail ever. But some electricians that came over stepped on it and Bowie was inconsolable for over an hour. Later that night we was telling his papa about it and said that it broke his heart. 5 days later, he is still talking about being sad...

but not so sad that when given the opportunity to make a wish at a penny fountain that his wish was for a mean alien as a pet rather than a whole snail again.

A Civilized Prehistoric Turtle

...that's what he saw carved there. My word! I didn't press the six flippers discrepancy.

Turn Turn Turn

Time has been turning on and on here. We have been traveling for the past two weeks. First to Illinois for Chris' grandma's memorial service and them "camping" for Thanksgiving. It has been strange to have been away so much this first month here in our new home. So much to process, to enjoy, to remember.

Here is Bowie at the edge of the Mississippi. This was his great grandparents' front yard. His grandpa grew up in the house that was built by hand and bit by bit when cash was available. His papa spent every summer here. Great grandpa Duard's ashed were spilled into this river at this spot 8 years ago. Although great grandma Betty moved out of the house afterward, we all assembled there again so that her ashes could mingle with her husband's in the river that they both loved so much. I read Margaret Wise Brown's The Dead Bird to Bowie a couple of times during this trip and he was definitely working through what it meant to be dead, what it meant to miss someone. Although he only met her a few times, he said that he loved her and that she loved him. After the service he took the microphone from the pulpit and said over and over again (volume off) that he loved her and was sad she was dead. Then he sang Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast (HA!)


One day at home to unpack and pack again before heading out for a chilly Thanksgiving. The past 9 years we have camped all but 2. This year we didn't think we could swing the preparation needed (not to mention find all the necessary equipment in our many unopened boxes from the move.) So we were so lucky to be invited to spend the holiday at a wilderness education ranch Chris' mom's school has. My folks came out and we had 400 acres to ourselves (cows, horses and dogs shared it with us.) It was wonderful. A huge lodge, big kitchen, fireplaces all ever the place, ping pong table, games,...and all the grandparents together! We had so many amazing meals (my inlaws love to cook.) We hiked everyday. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. No presents, no commercialism, just family and good food and, for us, always the presence of nature.

The first night we got back we drove by our former house to see it has already been reduced to a massive pile of rubble. It was late at night and we could hardly see so I thought maybe Bowie didn't know where we were or what we were seeing but he did. He said, "Our house was cut down." He was not upset at all. I, on the other hand, felt in shock for a few hours. But to all things there is a season. A time to end and to begin.

Moving On

We have our closing for our old house tomorrow. Today Bowie and I went to say goodbye. I touched the walls of each room and said thanks for the shelter, the memories, the lives we lived there. I touched the spot of the floor where Bowie was born and cried. This house will be torn down and new one built there. I have some sadness about that to be sure. But we are so thrilled with our new home that I really can walk away with more joy than regret.

All Time Favorite Night

Hurray, Bowie's favorite time of year. Hmm, how we he say it, "Halloween is my all time favorite night." He loved every aspect of it. Carving the pumpkin.



Early trick or treating (when he still wore the horns, they lasted about an hour).

And partying and trick or treating in our new wonderful neighborhood. Such a treat to see so many families out, having fun and making joy! I was smiling all night and I'd forget that my face was painted until I caught a curious or cautious gaze. Our great friends a couple of blocks away had their second annual Halloween party. SO fun. I took homemade Butternut Squash and Apple Soup. We pulled to the party in our wagon. Total bliss for me. Last year we left that party with me saying that we had to move over here. And here we are.




Saddly, Bowie's great grandma in Illinois passed October 31. She had just turned 89. We will miss her.

Out of the Old, Into the New

We move tomorrow. Out of this house, the house in which I have lived the longest in my life, the house were love, marriage, baby happened. Out of summer, the first day we swam in our new pool but perhaps the last warm day of the year. Tonight I shed a few tears about leaving this place. But I also felt like the luckiest person in the world to be swimming in my new backyard with my big, beautiful, happy son. I can be sad and happy at the same time.

The Quiet Blogging Mama

Last week I decided that I wanted to be living a little less virtually. I wrote a letter to Bowie rather than write in my blog. I told him how he's been saying recently, "Mama, I want to go everywhere your breasties go." Hee heeeee. He'll get a laugh out of that one day. But I hope he never feels any shame about it. I don't. It's the first place of comfort he found in this world and I simply see it no other way. I also have been doing lots and lots of thinking and reading, mostly about radical unschooling (unschooling in relation to the law of attraction.) It's been so transforming and perplexing and freeing. I am so grateful for a life that allows us to ebb and flow, grow and grow. I also am thinking and feeling a lot about this choice I've made to be so public with our lives. In my heart, I think it's good in many ways. So many mamas reaching out to each other, sharing and growing together. And it's been amazing for me as a photographer as well. But...well I'm trying to identify my concerns and I'm just laying low for a while so I don't feel hurried.

Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy this photo of Bowie. He is in full anticipation of Halloween mode lately. We went to the party store yesterday and he chose red hairspray for his costume. He had to try it out this morning. Then he painted my face this afternoon (sorry no photo of the bushy black eyebrows and red streak from my lips into my nostril and out to my cheek).