Monster Towel

The thing I most looked forward to giving to Bowie this year was this hooded towel. It is made with a thick terry. It is fun. It is handmade! He loves getting wrapped up in towels but gets frustrated when they fall off. When I saw this I knew that he would love it. And he does. It gives him comfort and inspires him, what a combination.

I will need to add some sort of tie or snap at the collar to really ensure that it stays on but otherwise I find it perfect. The edges unraveled at bit at first washing but I think it gives it a welcome soft look. The price is hefty, but I am glad the money went to something beautiful and made with creativity.

If you need your own...Mayhar Drygoods

Christmas at Home

This is the first time Chris and I have awoken in our own home for Christmas. I have been waiting and waiting for this day with my child. I do enjoy the extended family Christmas too, but the intimate, quiet morning with my child and husband was one of the best Christmas mornings ever. We stayed up late the night before being the Christmas elves setting up his new domino race set (totally inspired by all the domino racing we did at Thanksgiving) so that when he woke up and came into the living room he'd see this magical, colorful maze with bridges and bell. He then leisurely opened his 4 wrapped gifts and opened his stocking. It really warmed our hearts to see how interested and appreciative he was of each one. Perhaps the DK Ultimate Star Wars book was his favorite. Or the handmade (sadly, not by me) monster cape towel may have been the fave...time will tell. And looking out the window when setting up his Rainbow Maker I saw the surprise gift that Chris had been hinting at for a couple of weeks- a bike for me and a trailer bike for Bowie. We have been riding everyday since.

Our evening and afternoon was shared with my mom, sis, niece nephew and mom's family. It's wonderful to have the energy of the children at these events. And we are so lucky to have so much family near us. As the day grew longer, Bowie said at one point, "I've had enough presents." I wonder if we'll ever hear those words again?

Snow

A wonderfully crafty friend of mine (who I believe has even met Martha Stewart herself, who is inspiring and infuriating all at the same time to me) had a little snow globe making shindig. So fun. So fun. He chose two snowmen and a trumpet, clear and blue glitter. I did that gluing and such but he had this real true felling of having made something. Wonderful. He held it and looked at it all day. I had to make my own at home. Not perfect. Not Martha. But fun nonetheless. And good for my perfectionist tendencies...to just enjoy the process, for Bowie to see me making something that isn't perfect but is still full of joy and magic.

Play With Me

I have a new camera. The Nikon D300. It looks to be wonderful and intimidating as well. I want to learn it through and through to utilize all the benefits. But I need to update my computer a bit to work with the RAW files. I haven't played around with it much yet. Reading the manual still. But I do know that I love the 51 focal points! And I may stray from manual a bit since the exposure programs seem quite good.

Bowie and I played and played Thursday afternoon in his room. It gets beautiful afternoon light. He let me take pictures of what I wanted in exchange for many many photos of him with his pillow case on his head. I can't share those photos here though because that was all he had on, besides a necklace. Oh, and fingernail polish. Hee hee heeeee. We've painted his nails twice this week. Love my boy. The joy and silliness and openness.

The Snail that Broke His Heart

Bowie took such good care of this snail for a whole morning. He brought it snacks of leaves and observed it...he said it was the most special, beautiful snail ever. But some electricians that came over stepped on it and Bowie was inconsolable for over an hour. Later that night we was telling his papa about it and said that it broke his heart. 5 days later, he is still talking about being sad...

but not so sad that when given the opportunity to make a wish at a penny fountain that his wish was for a mean alien as a pet rather than a whole snail again.

A Civilized Prehistoric Turtle

...that's what he saw carved there. My word! I didn't press the six flippers discrepancy.

Turn Turn Turn

Time has been turning on and on here. We have been traveling for the past two weeks. First to Illinois for Chris' grandma's memorial service and them "camping" for Thanksgiving. It has been strange to have been away so much this first month here in our new home. So much to process, to enjoy, to remember.

Here is Bowie at the edge of the Mississippi. This was his great grandparents' front yard. His grandpa grew up in the house that was built by hand and bit by bit when cash was available. His papa spent every summer here. Great grandpa Duard's ashed were spilled into this river at this spot 8 years ago. Although great grandma Betty moved out of the house afterward, we all assembled there again so that her ashes could mingle with her husband's in the river that they both loved so much. I read Margaret Wise Brown's The Dead Bird to Bowie a couple of times during this trip and he was definitely working through what it meant to be dead, what it meant to miss someone. Although he only met her a few times, he said that he loved her and that she loved him. After the service he took the microphone from the pulpit and said over and over again (volume off) that he loved her and was sad she was dead. Then he sang Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast (HA!)


One day at home to unpack and pack again before heading out for a chilly Thanksgiving. The past 9 years we have camped all but 2. This year we didn't think we could swing the preparation needed (not to mention find all the necessary equipment in our many unopened boxes from the move.) So we were so lucky to be invited to spend the holiday at a wilderness education ranch Chris' mom's school has. My folks came out and we had 400 acres to ourselves (cows, horses and dogs shared it with us.) It was wonderful. A huge lodge, big kitchen, fireplaces all ever the place, ping pong table, games,...and all the grandparents together! We had so many amazing meals (my inlaws love to cook.) We hiked everyday. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. No presents, no commercialism, just family and good food and, for us, always the presence of nature.

The first night we got back we drove by our former house to see it has already been reduced to a massive pile of rubble. It was late at night and we could hardly see so I thought maybe Bowie didn't know where we were or what we were seeing but he did. He said, "Our house was cut down." He was not upset at all. I, on the other hand, felt in shock for a few hours. But to all things there is a season. A time to end and to begin.

Moving On

We have our closing for our old house tomorrow. Today Bowie and I went to say goodbye. I touched the walls of each room and said thanks for the shelter, the memories, the lives we lived there. I touched the spot of the floor where Bowie was born and cried. This house will be torn down and new one built there. I have some sadness about that to be sure. But we are so thrilled with our new home that I really can walk away with more joy than regret.

All Time Favorite Night

Hurray, Bowie's favorite time of year. Hmm, how we he say it, "Halloween is my all time favorite night." He loved every aspect of it. Carving the pumpkin.



Early trick or treating (when he still wore the horns, they lasted about an hour).

And partying and trick or treating in our new wonderful neighborhood. Such a treat to see so many families out, having fun and making joy! I was smiling all night and I'd forget that my face was painted until I caught a curious or cautious gaze. Our great friends a couple of blocks away had their second annual Halloween party. SO fun. I took homemade Butternut Squash and Apple Soup. We pulled to the party in our wagon. Total bliss for me. Last year we left that party with me saying that we had to move over here. And here we are.




Saddly, Bowie's great grandma in Illinois passed October 31. She had just turned 89. We will miss her.

Out of the Old, Into the New

We move tomorrow. Out of this house, the house in which I have lived the longest in my life, the house were love, marriage, baby happened. Out of summer, the first day we swam in our new pool but perhaps the last warm day of the year. Tonight I shed a few tears about leaving this place. But I also felt like the luckiest person in the world to be swimming in my new backyard with my big, beautiful, happy son. I can be sad and happy at the same time.

The Quiet Blogging Mama

Last week I decided that I wanted to be living a little less virtually. I wrote a letter to Bowie rather than write in my blog. I told him how he's been saying recently, "Mama, I want to go everywhere your breasties go." Hee heeeee. He'll get a laugh out of that one day. But I hope he never feels any shame about it. I don't. It's the first place of comfort he found in this world and I simply see it no other way. I also have been doing lots and lots of thinking and reading, mostly about radical unschooling (unschooling in relation to the law of attraction.) It's been so transforming and perplexing and freeing. I am so grateful for a life that allows us to ebb and flow, grow and grow. I also am thinking and feeling a lot about this choice I've made to be so public with our lives. In my heart, I think it's good in many ways. So many mamas reaching out to each other, sharing and growing together. And it's been amazing for me as a photographer as well. But...well I'm trying to identify my concerns and I'm just laying low for a while so I don't feel hurried.

Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy this photo of Bowie. He is in full anticipation of Halloween mode lately. We went to the party store yesterday and he chose red hairspray for his costume. He had to try it out this morning. Then he painted my face this afternoon (sorry no photo of the bushy black eyebrows and red streak from my lips into my nostril and out to my cheek).

Snakie

Bowie's dear snakie. For about a week he was the beloved toy. Went to Barton Springs, the grocery store, the park. Bowie held him curled in his lap, on his wrists, his neck.

And now snakie lies underfoot in the car. The love is so intense and short. He sometimes returns to these loves. Rediscovers an old passion. Maybe one day, he'll look back on these photos and rediscover these loves of his life.

Asleep Again

Asleep Again
Originally uploaded by autumn fawn

Hmmmm, I'm in one of my internal times. We are having wonderfully unscheduled days with lots of freedom so that when we get the call to vacate our house to show it (hoping someone sees some of what we've loved about our home) we can happily go out without feeling rushed and put upon. I am also doing lots of thinking about unschooling, the law of attraction, reading a new book Killing Monsters. And just loving my crazy , beautiful boy so! Life is quiet (not sure if that's the right word, something more like flowing) and good here. May it be so with yours.

Busy

Been very busy with work and fun here. Not sitting at the computer much these days. Chris and I had a great time at ACL. Yo la Tengo ripped it up and had the crowd loving it despite the noon day sun on our necks. I've seen them three times and two of their shows are on my all time top 10 list. We took a break in the heat of the day to walk to a local dinner and movie theater to see Balls of Fire. It was so awesome to be in a black air conditioned room sipping glass after glass of water and indulging in a root beer float. We made it back for Wilco/My Morning Jacket. Why they were booked simultaneously is a mystery to everyone. Frankly, I wish we'd spent more time with My Morning Jacket. I love Wilco. Love their new album. One of their shows that we saw In New Orleans during Jazz Fest at the Howling Wolf is in my top 3 concerts. But I've seen them 3 times since and never seen that energy again. My Morning Jacket on the other hand, is always exuberant. I really loved the Decemberists as well. Couldn't help but sing along. But they are a band that is better suited for a small stage. I wish they'd hook up with someone in theater if they continue arena type festivals. Their songs are so theatrical, I can really imagine a huge puppet show or play behind them.

Bowie went to Sea World with my folks. Sounds like he had a great time. It's still bit strange that we had separate weekends, made our own memories. But so good too. Bowie did go Friday night and enjoyed the festival experience as much as Bjork, who I would not have missed for the world, though we did leave early because Bowie was ready to go. I told him I really wanted to see if she played "I Miss You" and he agreed, so I got to hear one of my favorites before heading out. I wish we could have been up closer because I know he'd really connect with her crazy style.

We also are trying to sell our house. Had an open house yesterday. Must be ready to leave with the dog at the drop of a hat, so must keep the house in showing shape at all times. Time to turn on the anal! This morning Bowie said he wanted to make a mess, poor dear.

Austin City Limits

09_15_07_04
Originally uploaded by myguerrilla

This photo was taken by myguerilla. Found it on flcikr. Maybe I'll catch some good shots today. Our third day at the festival...Bjork and Arcade Fire were amazing. Really looking forward to the Decemberists and Yo La Tengo today.

Eight

Yesterday was my birthday, so a bit of nostalgia I ran across while packing- a scan of a scan of me as a baby.

I was tagged by my friend Leah. We both share a love of wind through trees, photography, chocolate, and being mamas.

| the rules |

post the rules before you give the facts. post eight random facts about yourself. at the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names. leave the people you tagged a comment on their blog, letting them know that they've been tagged.

leah's lilypad

I can get a perfect score at the "hard" level of Karaoke Revolution on Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. Close on "expert" but not perfect yet.

My big toe is the tallest of my toes.

I am reading Behind the Scenes at the Museum right now. I like it!

I plan on getting my first tattoo soon. Don't know what yet.

My bellybutton is an innie.

I love historical romance movies and books...even trashy ones.

I sleep on the left side of the bed.

I hate cleaning toilets.



I might break the rules and skip the tagging bit. I'm a bad blogging gamer.

Frankenstein

I'm sick with a throat and ear infection and poor Bowie has been a bit bored. So we went to the park this morning. He wanted to wear his "Frankenstein" costume that we bought last year during the after Halloween half off sales. He said it was Frankenstein then and I didn't correct him. He still doesn't know anything abotu Frankenstein other than he's worked out that he's some sort of monster. Now that he's very interested in comic book characters, I suspect he'll figure out soon that this costume is meant to be the Hulk. He ran and ran and jumped and climbed, keeping himself busy and letting me watch. Love that boy.

The Lost Horn of Africa

We have just started the process of packing up our house. We are moving. We are all sad about it sometimes, sad to go and sad about the work of it. But there are some strange rewards, such as finding forgotten things. This is a drinking horn from Cameroon. It is fascinating to Bowie for obvious reasons.

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, I appreciate your comment yesterday. These experiences give me the opportunity to reflect and confirm or reflect and alter my parenting beliefs. I hope this doesn't come across as defensive, but well, I do have very strong beliefs about what you wrote. I think we are simply coming from differing premises.

"It just seems that if he knows that he doesn't have to [do] anything really hard for him, he won't experience that pride that comes from accomplishing something really difficult."

I agree that effort is so important. But I find that life is naturally full of these situations. He mastered crawling, walking, signing, talking, riding a bike, memorizing books, playing drums...see where I'm going with this? So I don't see the need to keep him in a situation that isn't making him happy for the chance to teach him to work hard when he doesn't need the lesson.

I believe that the real opportunities for having these experiences of challenge and accomplishment lie in the goals he makes for himself. For example, he's really swimming, and it is obviously very difficult for him to pull himself him up for air, he swallows water, struggles so hard, and immediately says, "Do it again!". He all of a sudden wants to swim, he's chosen this goal for himself and is working to the ends of his abilities over and over again.

It is through these 1000s of authentic experiences of struggling for what he wants to accomplish that he will build up the character trait of perseverance. As he matures, he will see our model of working through difficulties for the benefit of others and will find value and pleasure in that as well.

I chose school for him. And while I hoped he'd enjoy it and grow from it, I chose it so that I'd have time to exercise. This isn't his goal to go to school. My goal is to exercise and I can find other solutions that aren't so stressful for him, meeting all of our needs.

"...he's a three year-old who lives in the moment, as they all do, and can't have the perspective that you have to know that even though it's hard today, it will get better and more familiar with time."

He is three. He doesn't know the future. But neither do I. I don't know that it will get better for him, though I think it probably would. I do know how he's feeling now though. I believe in living in the now as much as possible. I believe in respecting others feelings. And these are how I want him to see us living our lives.

I have more to write, more to celebrate, but life calls...

Schooling Experiment Finished

I'll write more about this later, but I decided to withdraw Bowie from school. He has not wanted to attend for 2 weeks now and has been exhibiting a lot of anxiety (had to call me after he was crying for over an hour the last time he attended). Today he said that he never wanted to go back and with all the signs and those very clear words, I felt it was not in his best interest to continue. He happily went to the nursery at the YMCA and I'll be advertising for babysitters to find a better solution for all of us.

Splash!

Summer. Still summer. We often have Friday night dinner at Mandola's followed with (or sometimes preceded by) a romp in the Triangle's dancing fountains. I bring extra underwear and just let Bowie at it. Last night we stood in front of the gelato counter after our meal but Bowie amazingly opted to hurry on to the fountain! What fun.

Yogurt Pops

Plain yogurt, honey, frozen mixed berries, orange juice in the blender and YUM!

Falling In Love Again

It's like he's my new baby again. I can't stop looking at him, like when I held him all curled up arms for 20 hours a day. To me, he looks younger. I see him as 1 again, when his hair was a bit like this. But he is my mature boy who asked me this morning if I was sad and said, "I want you to be happy about this." while touching my shoulder gently.

Oh.

And i am truly happy for him. And falling in love all over again.

Cut From Him

on his swaddling blanket
his baby hair
i keep them
and let go of him

he is becoming
his own

Remembrance

Now I'm crying. I held it together all along (except for the slightly sick feeling in my gut). But now, alone, looking at this ponytail of Bowie's baby hair...golden, soft and fine, it's been with him through all his life and now it is cut from him. I will keep it to stroke and hold myself. My boy. My baby.

About a month ago, Bowie started saying that he wanted to cut his hair short. Shave it like his papa's. I said that if he still felt that way after we came back from vacation that we'd do it. It's his hair. He should choose. I have a friend that dated a young man who kept his hair very short and didn't want anyone to touch it because his hair as a boy had been long and curly and he hated the attention. I always thought of this when *my* desire to keep it long butted against Bowie's wishes to cut it. Well, he didn't mention it again until a few days ago. We've been swimming alot (REALLY swimming ya'll, more about that later) and I think it's really been bugging him that his whole face would get covered by his hair. So we went to Cool Cuts for Kids, showed them an adorable skaterdude haircut that Bowie and I both liked and he ended up with this conservative cut. Next time I'll be more of a bear and make sure we get what we want, but I just wanted it to be as easy as possible for him and he was an ANGEL. What a big boy. Truly.

Simply Watermelon

Oh, he loves it. 3 slices.

Unsanitized

We go to the dog park and play. We wade in the creek, hunt for fossils, pet the dogs, climb the hills, dig through sticks, find broken and dirty glasses and wear them. I am not a Purell carrying member of mamahood. We dig in, get dirty, and sometimes we wash our hands but only if we are filthy. And I stand by it. Bowie hasn't been sick since Christmas. Of course that means that we've got a cold coming, especially now that he's going to school a couple afternoons. But I also am a believer that a few colds are natural and overall beneficial, though sad and inconvenient. So we'll continue to dig in.

Sun Mask

Hurray! Another happy goodbye at school this afternoon. Last night Chris and I talked and talked about what our strategy would be if he didn't want to go today. And it was easy peasy! Leaving the house he did grumble, but I am finding that it is leaving his home that is hard for him. We ran some errands and ate lunch at Mr. Natural and he easily moved on from there.

When I returned from my gloriously long and relaxed workout, he ran right away to show me the mask he made with his teacher Richard. Masks are a sure way to his heart. He's worn it all the way home, all evening (except at the dinner table). So thrilled that he's doing things that he loves there.

The Sky is NOT Falling

Well, I tried to post from my phone at the Y yesterday but I see it didn't work. Yes, from the Y. Bowie went willingly and happily to school yesterday! You know how horrible and awful transition in birth can feel? But that means that you are almost done, the worst is over. I have seen that in our family life too. It's the surrender and trust that have gotten me through all of those hard times. And got me through this hard time too.

I let go of the idea that Bowie's going to school would be the solution to giving me time I needed for myself. I decided that if it didn't work out, we'd find another solution. Tuesday and Wednesday Bowie stayed at the YMCA nursery while I worked out. It wasn't the 3 hours long cardio, strength, sauna and shower I've been dreaming about but it was an hour on the elliptical walker reading and listening to my ipod. It helped immensely.

I also stopped talking up going to school. Barely mentioned it. I realized that it must have been coming across as a really big deal. Almost everyone he knew asked him about it, we were having conversations in an effort to prepare him, and I think that just made it feel like a really big deal. So I decided to try to minimize it.

We left the house on Thursday with other fun things to do on the way to school. We went to the library and had lunch together at a restaurant. I think this distracted him a bit and it was easier to move on when we were already on the move. He did say before we left the house, "I don't think today is really a good day for school." and I said that we weren't going there right now and that we'd see how he felt later. Not another word of concern or hesitation came.

And I think letting him say no was important. When there has been any element of pushing from us (sleep, potty, food...you know all those issues that are so easy to get into struggles), Bowie has resisted. Luckily we have been very conscious about stepping back and giving him his power back when we realized that we were pushing, and almost immediately we see him make great strides in those areas on his own. Trust. Trust. Trust.

I am sure that he will have other vulnerable days. But we got through the first week. I got clear about what I need, he saw how much I need it, we found ways to meet that need, and he did have fun at school in the end. Maybe he'll say he doesn't want to go again. I'm sure he will. But it won't feel like the sky is falling.

Unprepared

I feel so unprepared for this. Today Bowie made it clear that he did not want to go to school. He woke crying this morning. When it was time to get ready, he made no excuses about being tired but cried and cried and said he did not want to go. He says that maybe he'll want to go tomorrow.

I told him that I wanted to go take care of myself, that I needed to go to the Y and exercise. I suggested that he go to the kid's room at the Y. "But I choose to stay home." I've been crying for the past few hours. It feels like he doesn't care about me. I feel hurt and angry about that. And I also feel stupidly oversensitive and with completely unrealistic expectations. I mean developmentally he's barely aware that the world is bigger than himself, right? I also feel like I must have messed up, am messing up, because most kids DO go to school.

And then the unschooling part of myself feels quite guilty that I would ask my child to go to school when he doesn't want to go. I called my husband to check to see if he too would have not pushed him into the car and he agreed. So I feel guilty about all the crying. Isn't that a kind of pressure put on him?

I have this twisted desire to do nothing fun this afternoon. I don't want it to be more fun to stay home. I feel sick to write that. Thank goodness I write to bring out these ugly truths. Somehow I can think that and sort of ignore how vile that sounds, but writing it makes it so clear. OF COURSE I want home to be fun. Of course I don't want to punish him for not wanting to go to school.

But I do want to go work out. I really do. I need it so bad. I've been waiting and waiting, telling myself that these times will be short, that I will have time to do for myself again. But I'm feeling at the end of my rope. How can I make it happen?

Will he want to go back to school again? How can I talk about it without pressuring him? How will he know if he likes it if he doesn't go? Maybe if I suggest that I go with him again, like the visits?

Yikes....this is surely the most raw and rambling entry I've made. Yes, I am a very real and flawed mama.

Update: I typed that on the laptop sitting on the toilet lid while Bowie played it the bath. I told him that I still needed to go exercise and that I was mad that he didn't make a choice so that I could take care of myself. He said, "Okay. I choose the Y." So, we're off! Clarity is so good for us all.

Update #2: Thank you Elle and Sara for your thoughts and love. I am thinking about how to get more of my unschooling mind into this problem and because I really do think that is the most creative and respectful way to find a solution. Identify the problem: it is NOT that Bowie didn't want to go to school. I am truly okay if he does not want to go. I don't believe that he needs to go. But I do believe that I need to work out and have a little scheduled time for myself. So there's where the creativity comes in. He happily said goodbye at the Y. I don't know why he was okay with that rather than school, but he was. While I was huffing along on the elliptical walker, I realized that I NEED this and that means that I need to make it happen more often, perhaps even daily. This needs to be part of my identity, my daily routine. And I need to find a solution that doesn't ask too much of Bowie to make it possible. He's still saying that he'll go to school tomorrow, even though tomorrow isn't a school day for him. But I hope to get back to the Y tomorrow...

And The 1st Day Update

Not another tear was shed. Happy boy that didn't want to leave. So relieved! But I guess I should be prepared for another tearful drop off...just in case.

The First Day of School

It was surprisingly tearful. During our drive to school where Bowie will be going two afternoons a week, Bowie started saying that he was too tired to go (another student had cried about being too tired when we visited on Tuesday). And then he said that he would get lost if I wasn't with him. That he would walk home. That he would not go to school.

And I was floored. He had shown not even a sliver of fear or concern over the past few weeks of preparing. Perhaps I had talked it up too much...maybe if I hadn't described the dropping off moment repeatedly...maybe if I hadn't asked him if he'd be sad or scared...did I put those feelings into him?

I carried and held him for 30 minutes. Children asked why he was crying. Offered to play with him. He buried his face in my chest with his hands covering his eyes. He calmed down to quiet reluctance, and I walked off the deck in his sight. His new teacher came up behind him, pulled him into her lap and talked to him for a moment about the fun things she had seen him do when he visited while two boys his age stood nearby. A moment later he was headed towards the bikes and cars with his friends, and I hesitantly interrupted his adventure to say goodbye and I love you.

Then I cried for 20 minutes in the car. Called my husband to have someone to cry to. As a teacher, I remember all the advice we were instructed to give to parents during these drop offs. Just say goodbye...they'll be okay soon...but as a parent, I am not willing to just drop him off on his first day. This experience is only welcome in our family if he wants it. And I want to be as available to him as possible until he has really had a chance to know if he wants to be there. He's been so proud and happy about being a Rainbow. But being dropped off is a different thing. I get that. And I think he'll probably adjust quite well, so I just want to give him a chance to adjust.

My crazy mama thoughts as I post from the local YMCA after working out...

I was kicking myself for not bring the camera, but that would NOT have worked out at all!

Play

I make peace with it every day. It looks scary and wrong. It is not the cute lovey that is so easy to love. It is his own exploration of power and strength, life and death. It is his raw real self that is so easy to love when I see that it is always still my lovey there, behind that harmless water pistol.

He tells me, "Mama, I love you even when I play fight. I love you even when I pretend kill."